There are no words.
It's so striking and powerful that it leaves you dead in your tracks like a deer in headlights.
This is how I feel about ALL photos of my Mom. I see a picture of her and I am paralyzed. I am blasted back to that memory and then I realize how distanced that memory is, because that body doesn't walk around this planet anymore. I have begun hanging photos and adding to our gallery wall at home and I find myself sitting and staring at them, over and over again. How can someone be here, be in my life for 27 years, and then just be gone...just like that. My head can't wrap my mind around it yet. Will it ever? I feel like I should be able to call her and I still text her every now and then, knowing I won't get a response. But it makes me feel close to her.
I struggle with the simple things right now. I struggle with the seasonal change, for my Mom and I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED fall and she would always make a trip over here for my October birthday to celebrate. A fire in the fireplace, warm scented candles filling the air, a cozy blanket, and a movie made every fall evening. This was my happy place. Not the beach. Not the mountains or the tropics but at home on a crisp fall evening with my Mom. This fall things will be different and I don't like different.
I struggle with the fact that my Mom doesn't know everything. She doesn't know that we had to give up Luna - and that we have a new dog! I struggle with the fact that she doesn't know I will FINALLY complete my degree in December, for that was a last minute decision. And I struggle with the fact that she is not here. I have gone 118 days without her now. This number seems so big but yet so small. I remember crying in my therapist's office on day 16 not wanting day 17 to come. I remember holding onto the days so tightly.
Pictures and memories are all I have now. Some pictures may deserve 1,000 words but my Mom's do not. They just deserve to be hung and looked at every now and then.
No comments:
Post a Comment