A Motherless Mother's Day

In a way it feels as if I am starting over. I'm not quite sure what I'm starting over from but that is how my heart has approached today, this month, and this new chapter in life. I don't feel I need to "redo" life but I do feel I need to move on and become the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend God designed for me to be. Not a woman who drowns in her woes but one who draws from the Lord's strength to learn from the darkness and lean into the light. Easier said than done? Sure. But today is the first of many holidays to be celebrated differently. And if you know me...I don't like different. I don't do change. I've been working so very hard with my team of support for the past couple of years to find who that person is and how to cope with the change - good or bad. Then when hard days do come and change appears to be just around the corner I can to apply what I know to be truth and trust in the Lord.

For the past 29 years I have celebrated my Mom (and Mom's around me) on Mother's Day. This is what I've known. And it was two years today that I began to anticipate a dramatic change. I lost my one and only Mother - the individual I am supposed to celebrate on this day. How does one get through Mother's day being motherless? How do you celebrate someone who is gone?

I am an extremely tangible (and very black and white) person! It's hard to foresee adapting to such tragedy and loss. If I can't physically grasp someone or something it's hard to wrap my mind around. Instead of celebrating I'm bombarded with grief. The "good" memories are sad to me. I'm reminded of a huge absence. People tell me to be thankful on Mother's Day for the Mom she was and the person I am today because of her. But how can I do this when she isn't here to thank? They are just easy words for someone to say who hasn't lost a mother.

YES - I am extremely grateful for the mother she was. It pains me to think of it as a "was" though - an breathing individual no more. Though she was, she is still MY Mom. This is the statement I need to say to myself in order to get through such a personalized holiday.

But back to not liking change...

I woke up this morning feeling torn. This is the second year I can't physically celebrate my Mom...so now I am supposed to celebrate me? Well, if you know me, I don't like attention. Hate it. [Coincidental I have triplets? God does have a sense of humor because attention is all I get now! Argh!] But instead of feeling like I need to be celebrated, I look at the three smiling faces I didn't have last Mother's Day. I AM A MOTHER. I AM MY MOM. What?! As Craig and I drove home from church this morning it hit me. As I was sitting in the back with our three tiny humans, I said to him, "Holy cow! We are so blessed! We went from not being able to have children to having three! I went from not having a Mom to being a Mom!" Point made. Mind blown. The sovereignty of God is truly unconditional and the light has come to shine away the darkness some. Some.

I am now a mother of triplets. I am a mother to two daughters and a mother to one son. Three littles who will grow to celebrate me as I celebrated my own mother. What an odd concept that I will eventually get used to. They are mine - all mine. It gives me hope and a new perspective on the day. I have been blessed to be called "Mom" myself. I never thought this day would come. I never thought I'd earn this title. This IS a good change. Very good change. My heart sings every time I look at them....and I don't think it ever will stop...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the stand-in mothers out there...near and far. ILYTP.

Dear Motherless Daughters on Mother’s Day

Happy Birthday Grandma Susie

Fifty five years on Earth and now two in heaven.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

"Your birthday brings back memories

Of laughter and of tears

Of all the celebrations held

Throughout your precious years

As you're now watching over me

I hope that you can see

How much those memories we made

Will always mean to me

I'll always cherish times we had

And smile just at the thought

I hope you know the magnitude

Of joy your life here brought

On holidays and birthdays

It's so hard to be apart

Like every day that falls between

Your memory fills my heart

You're with me now where ever I go

You're part of all I do

I'll celebrate your special day

And the gift of knowing you"

The triplets have a special message to say:

Dear Grandma Susie,

Is it okay that we call you that? What would you have wanted us to call you anyways?

Happy Birthday! We aren't quite sure the entire meaning of today but we know it's a special day for Mommy and Auntie Molly. Mommy says you are in Heaven and we sort of know what that place is but I think we will understand more as we get older. But she says you aren't here on Earth with us but that we still have to celebrate you as if you were.

We wish we could meet you. Play with you. Color with you. Laugh with you. Snuggle and watch movies with you. Spend the night with you and read with you. We heard you loved to do all of those things. Mommy doesn't talk about you a lot because we think it makes her sad. Yesterday she cried and we didn't know why. We think she really really misses you. Maybe it's because you were such an amazing Mommy to our mommy.

Thank you for teaching her how to be a mommy. She is loving us the way she knows best - the way you taught her how to love. We think she learned everything from you. So, thank you. 

You would be so proud of our mommy. You would also be so proud at how well we are doing. We are getting bigger each day! But each day that goes by Mommy gets more and more sad. She says you are truly missing out on a triple blessing. But we think you already know each of us by name. And sometimes we even feel like you are here with us. We will continue working on convincing Mommy of that.

We can't wait to grow big and strong and hear more stories about how amazing you were. Next year, when we are one-year-olds, we will understand even more about where you are and why we can't give you presents and watch you blow out candles on a birthday cake.

But we love you. We feel you are a part of the three of us and we are trying to show that to mommy each and every day.

Mommy says something like, I love you to pieces, so we say, we love you to pieces. 

Happy 57th Birthday Grandma!