Today's Journal

September 22, 2014

I’m stuck today on how long it has been since Mom passed away. I want to count the days but am not letting myself for fear of such a large number. I have really been missing her the past few days….longing for her friendship, her tenderness, and motherly ways. I wanted to call and let her know I was done with IOP/PHP! I know she would be proud.

My last day of programming was odd. I was by myself for a few hours until evening IOP came in. Thankfully they let me stay for the 4:30 group, where they made cards for me and allowed me to process through my time there. It was a bit uncomfortable, for my usual group (Brittney & Stephanie) were both gone. I knew it was time to leave. I felt done…like I had slowly worked my way out of programming. I went about the last day as normal and really felt a strength that I hadn’t had before. I held it together all day. I felt the sadness in the pit of my stomach but it didn’t want to surface yet. 5:30 rolled around and I began packing up my area of the group room. I basically had everything there but the kitchen sink since it had been my home for the past 6 months. I folded up my blanket, collected all of my artwork, materials, and papers and headed for the lobby. With my hands full I said goodbye to both of the other program girls…setting down my stuff to give one of my therapists a huge hug. The 3 of them left and it was then I did not know what to do next. One of the gals at the front desk, whom I’ve gotten really close with, asked me if Craig was going to be home when I got home….that is when the pit of sadness arose and forced its way out. I felt weighted down gave up trying to control my emotions. I crept into the therapist’s office, sat on one of her chairs, and let go of the tears. They fell and they fell hard. I sat there scared and sad. Scared for life without programming and sad because this life has been what I’ve known for a long time. I wasn’t ready to leave it behind – but yet I was at the same time.

I regained some strength in her office and allowed myself to walk out the front door. God is good and had it designed for me to attend the very first Fall Women’s Bible Study that evening. I did not want to go but was encouraged by Craig to attend. I used to attend three years ago and simply loved it. The study is called “The Potter and the Clay.” How fitting. I will be studying my purpose, how I was designed, molded and crafted, signed and sealed, and refined through the fire. I have spent the last 6 months fighting with my body and fighting with the recovery process, only to find myself at a Bible Study that summarizes my journey towards freedom.

Friday I left for the women’s retreat at Camp Spalding. Again, I hesitated in going because I wanted to isolate. Encouraged once again by my husband to attend, I went. The weekend was filled with mixed emotions, triggers, ups, downs, tears, laughter, reflection, and fellowship. I connected with some women like I never have before. I was habitually transparent (thank you Emily program!) and chose to accept whatever feelings arose. Every meal came with the temptation to throw it up, every moment screamed at me….”You haven’t worked out,” and every mother and mother/daughter duo reminded me of the loss of my own Mom. What a powerful way to begin life outside of intensive treatment. I conquered though. I was broken but I conquered through the pieces. I allowed one or two others intimately in. Amidst the tears, pain, and sorrow, I was able to reflect on what God has been doing in my life. As well, I was able to challenge Him as to WHY me! WHY my Mom! WHY not healing?! I left worship the last evening in a full on breakdown. I was about to get in my car and leave but figured I should at least be settled and grounded first. I sat in the balcony sobbing. Sobbing hard. Relentlessly saddened. I wrestled with my purpose without a Mom and questioned my own journey to recovery. It was a powerful evening in the sense that I was attuned to myself and the hold God has on my heart.

Today I still represent that timid little girl. I am scared to not be in programming and still fight feelings of aloneness.