The Honesty of the Holiday

I'm not sure life will ever be the same….

Reality hit this past week. As families celebrated happiness, joy, and togetherness, my family celebrated the fact that my Mom came home from hospice, for we didn't think she would. We had the luxury of walking her out of her room. 

And it was on Christmas Eve that Craig, Molly, and I followed the ambulance that carried my Mom home. 

As the EMT's maneuvered the gurney through the hallway and to the downstairs couch (in front of our fireplace), my Mom quietly uttered the words, "I haven't been downstairs since October 8th." 

That's when it hit me. Life has been different over the last 12 months, or as my Mom said, "the last 12 minutes." And this Christmas Eve and Christmas (and 'winter break') has also been different. I never thought I'd drive home for the holidays and have to drive straight to the Hospice House. I never thought I'd be the one lifting my Mom out of bed, holding her as she finds her balance, and positioning her legs when she gets restless. I'm assuming this is why the Lord doesn't let us in on what's to come because I don't think we would ever admit to surviving the obstacles. But He gives us strength AS we approach hardships, knowing exactly HOW MUCH we can handle. Don't get me wrong. I am not personally testifying to an unreal amount of strength and peace, but I am testifying to being able to rest in His hands.

My Mom has been my rock but now it seems I need to become her rock.

As I rubbed her arm this morning, whispering sweet 'goodbyes' in her ear, she muttered, "goodbye, but I'm sleeping." Oh…still finding humor in the smallest ways. Her humor hasn't left her side and sleep has become her BFF, not letting ANYTHING or ANYONE get in her way!

365 Day

365 days = 525,600 minutes = 8,760 hours = 31,536,000 seconds

One year ago today we were sat down by my Mom's best friend for her to share the unfortunate news. One year ago today we were told my Mom had a tumor (maybe multiple) that was cancerous.

One year ago today our thoughts of my "healthy" Mom, who would live forever to see Molly get married, meet her grandkids, etc., changed to thoughts of an "unhealthy" Mom.

One year ago today we embarked on the hardest journey that life has taken us.

One year ago today my Mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

We have been with this information now for 31,536,000 seconds. My Mom has fought for her life now for 8,760 hours. Each minute of the 525,600 minutes has been considered a blessing. It's been 365 days today.

As I reflect back on that day I remember thinking, "oh! this too shall pass! it's just an obstacle that is trying to get in her way! she will survive this and it will make her a stronger person." Though it has made her a stronger woman - it hasn't been in the physical sense. Her body is weak, her bones show through, but her smile and sense of humor remain (for she attempted to chuck her mashed potatoes at Craig last night after telling him that if he put vaseline on his face first they should just slide right off). We can't help but laugh with her and keep life as familiar as possible.

With decorations hung and Christmas cards posted on her wall, the hospice center has been a comfortable place for us all. The staff are incredible here and treat my Mom with royalty. She sleeps most of the time, which allows for me to catch up on 'what's new' in Women's Health & People magazines, as well as be familiar with everyone's Facebook status! Perfect creeping time!

Craig and I spent time down in Portland this past weekend, celebrating Christmas with Dad & Karen! We then trekked it north yesterday and spent all day here at hospice with Mom - watching Home Alone 1 & 2. We fed her some roast beef, which seemed to give her a boost in energy, enough to get her up and walking for 10 whole minutes! She has't walked in MONTHS!!! As Molly trailed behind with the IV pole, her feeble little legs carried her down the hall and back. We were extremely proud of her but then she came back and crashed.

It's been a long day today, seeing that it is now 5:19pm and I started writing this blog around 1pm. The Smith's arrived for an all day visit, followed by long-time family friends. I crashed on the couch for a bit - fighting a migraine! But all in all, it's nice to have family and friends support us through this hard time.  And the good news received this morning is that they think she can go home on Christmas! We just all have to be trained on how to operate her IV machine. What a wonderful gift that would be!!

Blessings during this holiday season!

Update from Caring Bridge

No news is good news, right? 

My Mom's condition worsens as she "recovers" from the procedure she had back in October. My apologies for not sending out an update sooner, but the clarity of the CT scan results were questionable. They were not able to get an accurate reading of the tumor - able to see if it was beginning to turn black (die off) - which is the outcome they were looking for from the procedure. However, they did not find any growth OR any shrinkage in tumor size. 

Mom is bed bound for the most part with hospice still coming in every three days to bathe her and the nurse checking in on her regularly. As Aunt Becky tires quickly, due to the bladder demands of my Mom, she has called in for backup from neighbors and friends. What a HUGE blessing to know my Aunt and Mom are surrounded with people who will step in to relieve my Aunt for just a few hours. She is up with my Mom every 30 minutes throughout the night - talk about similarities between my Mom and a brand new baby!!! 

The Lord is protecting us and still has my Mom cradled in His hands. It is hard being all the way over here in Spokane, not being able to help out as Molly has, leaving me with feelings of guilt and helplessness. But I continue to thank Him for what he has given my family during this difficult time. 

It is hard to approach the holidays with "laughter and cheer," as all the Christmas songs sing about. I've been guilty for approaching the holiday with "clatter and fear." What will this season look like? Nontraditional and different, for sure. But as our family rearranges and configures this holiday season to what we have been blessed with, we remember the true reason for the Christmas season and are grateful for the gift of Christ, salvation, and his loving forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for your continued prayers. A miracle is still needed… 

Merry Christmas and God Bless, 

words that aren't my own...

"It is easy to love my dad.  He is strong, patient, loving, generous and kind.  He is the rock that my sister and I will always need.  He is always there to listen to us, love us and support us.  He is a stand up guy.  My dad has helped many people over the years both financially and emotionally.  He is a giver and a helper.  The one you call with any problem when you need a solution.  The one who will always believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.  The one who will drive with you to work and then bus back home just so that you can drive in the carpool lane.  The one who brings the beer to the party.  The one who always buys and picks up the tab. I will always love my dad through the good and the bad."

Couldn't have said it better myself, sis.

A Season of Thankfulness

Yes, it is the week of Thanksgiving.

Yes, everything around me is pointing towards HOW TO BE THANKFUL. 

Yes, this past week's sermon was on contentment, satisfaction, and thankfulness. 

Yes, my devotional, Jesus Calling, has redundantly been about an attitude of gratitude. 

But it extends beyond this one week out of the year, just like Christmas and the story of Christ's birth extends beyond December 25th (Shocking! I know!). 

But I appreciate this week serving as a reminder and a kick-start to becoming more thankful. 

It isn't easy. 

How can I be thankful for what is going on in my life right now? 

Let me redirect you to my recent post, The Blessings Abound. There is A LOT to be thankful for. 

This is a tough season for my family and me, but it has united us, strengthened the bonds we have with each other, and created a renewed love and passion for life! Right now, as I am being constantly reminded to BE THANKFUL, I can't help but be grateful. I force a smile on my face because eventually it turns into something genuine and authentic. Take a moment every hour of every day to "shout out" something you are thankful for. And take this habit beyond Thursday, into Black Friday (err....that might be hard), and there on! I am not a woman of great strength. In fact, I am a woman of great weakness. But the one thing that remains constant is my relationship with the one who crafted me. That in itself is something to be thankful for.

So, go home.

Hug your husband/wife.

Text your Mom.

Email your Dad.

FaceTime with your sister/brother/dog.

Let them know you are thinking about them and are grateful for their friendship.

And then Skype with Jesus ;-)

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Now that's funny!

It's always fun to link POSTS FROM THE PAST!

So here is one for ya --> Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Always a Mom

Momma & Me <3

Love you, Mom!

Susie K Smith

The Blessings Abound

Despite hard times....the blessings continue to rain down on us. They don't stop. They are endless. It surely pays off to stop and count them every so often or else they get backed up and spill over in a volcanic fashion. Sometimes life gets foggy and I feel as if right now it is hard to see beyond the thickness, but I am constantly reminded to remain still. To be patient. And to be quiet and listen. And when I listen, I hear. And being able to hear is one of the sweetest gifts there is.

If you are sitting there with your head cocked to the side, confused, wondering "what are all these blessings she speaks of?" Good question.

Craig found part-time work on top of his full-time job!

An anonymous third party offered to pay off Craig's Moody bill.

The same anonymous third party offered to buy us a whole new set of tires for the Lexus!

Gas was paid for so that we could make it home for Granddad's funeral.

The food bank is so good to us!

Got the most precious gift from my Grandnan that paid off our credit card & Craig's computer!

Receive free health & support services since I am an EWU student.

My professors have been ever so lenient with me and my school work so that I can travel home to see my Mom often.

Someone helped us out with much needed car repairs.

Someone gave us a generous gift that will provide for at least 6 months worth of food.

We have a little house to call ours.

We have Luna.

But most importantly,

We have each other.

We are ever so grateful for the friends and family God has placed in our lives for such a time as this. Our jaws are continually on the floor over all He has provided just since we got back to Spokane from camp. It's incredible to see the blessings that flow from giving up everything for the summer and following His calling to minister to campers and staff. Another testimony for the books.

The many blessings have just allowed us to focus on what needs our attention right now, which is spending time in Federal Way with my Mom as much as possible, school work, and work. I was able to spend my birthday over there, opening my gifts while snuggled up in bed with her. What a special time that was! And it's always hard to come back, but now that I'm back I don't ever want to leave again because...WE LOVE SPOKANE!!!

Come and visit soon!!!!

Never Alone

Sometimes marriage is hard. It's challenging. It's arduous. It can be trying. But one thing remains...Craig and I are never alone. We always have each other. We are learning to understand one another and listen with both ears. But Craig and I are never alone. We always have each other.

I am reminded of this beautiful marriage, which God designed and blessed. He knew the road we are on. He knows what lay ahead. And He meant for us to walk it together.

Sometimes marriage is hard. Sometimes I take it for granted. But one thing remains...Craig and I are never along. We always have each other.

"Never Alone"

Jesse Bonanno

When your hope has been broken

And the fear is unspoken but true

You're never alone

Like a dream in a child

Or a childish dream in you

I'll do anything that I can do

To show you my love and comfort you

When you can't seem to find your way home

And when life gets too hard

To face on your own

I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown

I will walk with you

So you're never alone

You're never alone

Like a tear in the ocean

Or a star on a clear winter night

You're never alone

When the courage you needed

Has been all but defeated in you

I'll do anything that I can do

To show you my love and comfort you

Living Relentlessly

"To live in My presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don't push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase your awareness of resentful feelings. Bring them boldly into the Light of My Presence, so that I can free you from them.

The ultimate solution to rebellious tendencies is submission to My authority over you. Intellectually you rejoice in my sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place. But when My sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment.

The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: THE LORD GIVES AND THE LORD TAKES AWAY. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD. Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude.

Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!"

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Resist [the devil], firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 

1 Peter 5:6-7, 9-11

I'm Back!

I actually need this blog back in my life! I surely have taken a hiatus from writing (just on here!) but need it back in my life. It allows me to share that no matter what joys DO come in the morning!

It's 7:15am on a Sunday morning and my coffee mug is already empty, which means I've been up for a while! I just toss and turn all night until the clock has a godly hour on it, meaning I can get up and not have to excuse myself for getting up at some ungodly hour. But have no fear, I LOVE MORNINGS! I do! It's my favorite time of day! Align that with a crisp, foggy, fall morning and it's called an obsession!!! This is my favorite time of year....

As I was perusing the archives of posts last night I found this fantastic fun fall post!

September 28, 2011

well, i love the fall season for many reasons, but there are 10 more particular reasons i like the season.  we have had a late summer here in Spokane...just this past saturday we had a 90 degree day.  for all my western folks, please be jealous.  but don't worry it rained here all day monday and everyone thought they were melting...pansies!  but here are twn reasons why i LOVE fall...

10. pumpkin spice lattes/apple cidar
9. blankets are needed to be wrapped around me at all times
8. i don't have to think about what i'd look like in a two piece
7. the beautiful colors
6. football season, which for me means family, friends, and food
5. running in the crisp, cold, morning
4. children & adults can get away with dressing like professional medical staff with absolutely no education to back up their Halloween costume
3. sweaters and sweats and sweatshirts and slippers and bathrobes

2. this picture...

and lastly....

1. MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  October 26

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes it's true - 6 days and counting until my 27th birthday. 27 years come and gone just like that! But if I'm honest with you, I'm not even thinking about my birthday this year...I keep forgetting it's coming. And for those of you that know me this is ABNORMAL behavior. October 1st I usually start a countdown, making sure everyone I come in contact with knows how many more days until my birthday. It's the one day I can get away with being the center of attention (even though I still struggle with it on that day - ha!). But this year seems to be a little different. My mind is elsewhere - why be selfish about a day that is all about me when those I love are fighting for their life?! 

My birthday wish list (other than a NikeFuel Band):

1. That the Lord's will be done
2. That miraculous healing occur
3. That familial wounds be bandaged
4. For a stronger, even more powerful marriage

Have a blessed Sunday!

Caring Bridge

It's been since February since I last wrote in here!

Not cool, Megs, not cool...

But it saddens me as it has been an outlet, a joy, and a hobby of mine to write!

I have temporarily given it up though in order to spend my time focusing on my studies and doing other things, such as creating and maintaining my Mom's Caring Bridge site.

I encourage you to follow me [and my family] on this journey of faith...perseverance...endurance...triumph...tears...and love...

Loves.

Megs

Susie Kay Smith

My Life as 'Normal'

I am feeling sensitive and emotional more so lately than ever before and it drives me crazy not being able to say what I am thinking/feeling. I can't put to words what goes on in my head and in my heart -- maybe it's because that is where they are supposed to stay FOREVER.  After all, my life isn't a Hollywood movie.  No one has paid me to tell my story.  Therefore, I really should stop beating myself up over this hurdle in my life.

But I think I want my first book to be titled, My Life as 'Normal.'  This title being so perfect for many reasons, one of which being that I am far from normal.  However, I'm not quite sure what normal means anymore.  I personally think it should be removed from the Webster's Dictionary due to lack of empirical evidence on what it means to be normal.  HAHA I looked it up and it says, "conforming to the standard or common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural." Here is my first question...what the heck is the standard and common type?  Who got to decide that?  That would have been a fun job!!!

I think the reason I would title my first book this (yes...i'm planning on writing multiple, the first being title Meganisms) is because I feel like I have been able to float through life with only small personal battles. It seems I always get the longer end of the stick rather than the shorter end. And it truly makes me angry!!  Why can't struggles be evenly distributed?  Because God doesn't think I can handle it?  Well, if it involves blood or pain then there is some truth to that!  But seriously.  It just doesn't seem fair and it kills me that I always have to be the spectator who sits back and watches everyone else fight their battles.  And to top it off, God made me SUPER, OFF THE CHARTS compassionate!  I carry other peoples' burdens around so well -- protecting them and thinking of them often -- and can't seem to disconnect myself from their pain and hurt.  This makes for a powerfully polarized combination and it causes me lots of distress. And want to know the cherry on top?  I don't know how to communicate and put into words what I am feeling (please revisit the first paragraph above).  What a conglomeration of skills/weaknesses I have been blessed with.  I am constantly trying to figure out how to break this vicious cycle.

Why did I get blessed with being 'normal?'

I don't get really sick BUT close people around me do...

I don't lose family members BUT close people around me do...

I am not getting divorced BUT close people around me are...

I don't have health issues BUT close people around me do...

Tragedy hasn't struck BUT it has with others...

I couldn't have said it better than Tenth Avenue North 

"Worn"

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

Lead Me to the Cross

Savior I come / Quiet my soul remember / Redemption's hill / Where Your blood was spilled / For my ransom
Everything I once held dear / I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I / Tempted and trialed / You were / The word became flesh / Bore my sin and death / Now you're risen / Everything I once held dear / I count it all as loss


"Quiet my soul"
It's like my soul wants to scream and shout.  If only people could hear it and comfort it.  How do I find the quiet my soul needs, like this song talks about?  It's almost as if my soul quiets the louder I blast this tune.  Ha.  Psalm 131:2 says, "But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

It's hard to sit quiet.  We long for noise and the business of the day, the silence sometimes intimidating.  How can we hear the Lord if we never allow time for Him?  How can he quiet our hearts and minds if we don't quiet the noise around us?  

Life is hard.  Let the Lord quiet your soul.

Have I Lost My Readers?

I am still here, with Craig at my side.  We haven't gone anywhere...have you?

I admit I deserve to have my blog never looked at again.  I am unfaithful and can't hold a steady key.  But cut me a little slack while I explain...

graduate school.  the end.

What a challenge life has been over the past six months.  Trying to learn how to study all over again and working through the hand cramps since my hand doesn't remember how to write longer than 10 minutes with a mechanical pencil.  This quarter, which began at the beginning of January, is off to a way better start.  I can actually manage this schedule, allowing times for fun and games every now and then.  Craig and I still like to hop in the car and drive miles upon miles, keeping our weekends full.  Over Christmas break we drove close to 1,000 miles just traveling around to see family!  Portland, Federal Way, Shoreline, Renton, Seattle....

There were some rough moments...and they still come and go.  But in the end Craig and I couldn't be more blessed.  Please remind us of that when you are around us.

Also, I will try to be a more faithful writer in the future.  I greatly miss my creative side.