Missing Granddaddy :)

Hello Granddaddy!

How is Heaven? You've been there for 365 days as of today. I'm sure it has felt like eternity but at the same time felt like just a day!

I truly miss you and think of you often and am sometimes jealous of the days you get to spend versus the days I have to spend.

Some of the things you have missed this past year:

I turned 27 a month after you passed away and I got to celebrate it at home with Mom, Aunt Becky, Brynn, Molly, and Craig!

We spent our last Christmas with Mom in Federal Way and were blessed to have brought her home from Hospice House on Christmas Eve to open gifts and celebrate with the traditional Stouffer's Lasagna.

I began intensive treatment for an eating disorder that I'd hidden from the family for years! It has helped strengthen relationships with both family and friends and has confidently encouraged our marriage!

Molly's bridal shower was in March and it was a lovely event! Mom even was able to attend!

Was home to celebrate Mom's 55th birthday on May 4th!

Said goodbye to Mom (which was the day you got to say hello to her) 8 days later on May 12th!

Flew to Ohio for services and burial and got to visit Gran while we were there!

Got to walk with my cohort on June 14th and pretend like I was graduating! Family drove in to help celebrate!

Molly and Dustin got married on a beautiful summer day, July 12th, in Maple Valley! You would have been so proud of your youngest granddaughter and I already know you had welcomed Dustin into the family a long time ago!

Dad turned 54!

Craig and I celebrated our 4th year of marriage!

Molly turned 25! Holy Moly!

We surrendered our German Shepard Luna and adopted a white boxer like Dad's named Petey!

I was discharged from treatment on September 18th (after 6 LONG months!) Go me! I know you'd be proud.

And have since returned to my internship site at Cheney Middle School where I will finish up in December!

Love you Granddad!

Sincerely,
Megan

A First of the Firsts

There are going to be many "firsts" in life. People say that the first year is full of firsts and then it gets easier. You know...the only "firsts" I can guarantee within the first year are birthdays and holidays...but what about the other firsts?

I feel like everyday is a first without Mom. I haven't experienced what September 25, 2014 is like with my Mom. It's the first for that! I suppose I can't look at it this way but my mind does. So with that said, will it ever get any easier? As posted in my previous post, stolen from my sister's blog, this is the first fall without her and it is by far her FAVORITE season! Watching the leaves turn colors accentuates the loss. It's about to be GORGEOUS outside (well...here in Spokane) and she isn't here to enjoy it. However, I need to constantly remind myself of the "fall" she will be having in Heaven. I'm sure if God gave her the choice to return back to Earth or stay in Heaven I'm sure she'd chose staying at her Father's feet. Good choice Mom...but it surely sucks down here without you!

Today's devotion really struck me. I try to read from Jesus Calling each morning but I'll admit most mornings I fail. He led me to it this morning though.

"Pour all of your energy into trusting Me. It is through trust that you stay connected to Me, aware of My Presence. Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith. Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semidarkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Each of My chidden is a unique blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa. Only I know the difficulty or ease of each segment of your journey. Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your steps are only baby ones. Do not judge others who hesitate, in trembling fear, before an act that would be easy for you. If each of My children would seek to please Me above all else, fear of others' judgments would vanish, as would attempts to impress others. Focus your attention on the path just ahead of YOU and on the One who never leaves your side."

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you."

Matthew 7:1-2

"The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe."

Proverbs 29:25

Post from the Past

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

ten reasons i love FALL

well, i love the fall season for many reasons, but there are 10 more particular reasons i like the season.  we have had a late summer here in Spokane...just this past saturday we had a 90 degree day.  for all my western folks, please be jealous.  but don't worry it rained here all day monday and everyone thought they were melting...pansies!  but here are twn reasons why i LOVE fall...

10. pumpkin spice lattes/apple cidar
9. blankets are needed to be wrapped around me at all times
8. i don't have to think about what i'd look like in a two piece
7. the beautiful colors
6. football season, which for me means family, friends, and food
5. running in the crisp, cold, morning
4. children & adults can get away with dressing like medical staff with absolutely no education to back up their costume
3. sweaters and sweats and sweatshirts and slippers and bathrobes

2. this picture

1. MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  October 26

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Today I went to read my sister's blog and noticed she had taken the words about "fall" and this season right out of my mouth....here it is in her words and I "ditto" it....

photo via Morganbsimon

Happy fall! My favorite season is here, yet I struggle through another wave of grief. It was my mom's absolute favorite time of the year. By now, she would have had all of her decor up around the home, the smell of cheesecakes drizzled with caramel + topped with apples would welcome you in and Bath and Body Works candles + soaps would in every bathroom. I know many people have memories of my mom during the fall, as she always could find someone to visit the pumpkin patch with her!

My mom and I simply loved fall. Now, our biggest worry this season is trying to get everything out of the house in time for the next family to move in. 

When I think about fall, my mind often wanders back to Fall Family weekends at Gonzaga University. The leaves were beautiful shades of orange and red and I would anxiously await the arrival of my family! We always loved going to Greenbluff farms to pick apples, eat pumpkin doughnuts and sip on cider.

My hope is that I find can joy in the season and holidays to come. I anticipate the emotions that come with the upcoming holidays and finding peace that we are no longer sharing these moments with mom. 

Today's Journal

September 22, 2014

I’m stuck today on how long it has been since Mom passed away. I want to count the days but am not letting myself for fear of such a large number. I have really been missing her the past few days….longing for her friendship, her tenderness, and motherly ways. I wanted to call and let her know I was done with IOP/PHP! I know she would be proud.

My last day of programming was odd. I was by myself for a few hours until evening IOP came in. Thankfully they let me stay for the 4:30 group, where they made cards for me and allowed me to process through my time there. It was a bit uncomfortable, for my usual group (Brittney & Stephanie) were both gone. I knew it was time to leave. I felt done…like I had slowly worked my way out of programming. I went about the last day as normal and really felt a strength that I hadn’t had before. I held it together all day. I felt the sadness in the pit of my stomach but it didn’t want to surface yet. 5:30 rolled around and I began packing up my area of the group room. I basically had everything there but the kitchen sink since it had been my home for the past 6 months. I folded up my blanket, collected all of my artwork, materials, and papers and headed for the lobby. With my hands full I said goodbye to both of the other program girls…setting down my stuff to give one of my therapists a huge hug. The 3 of them left and it was then I did not know what to do next. One of the gals at the front desk, whom I’ve gotten really close with, asked me if Craig was going to be home when I got home….that is when the pit of sadness arose and forced its way out. I felt weighted down gave up trying to control my emotions. I crept into the therapist’s office, sat on one of her chairs, and let go of the tears. They fell and they fell hard. I sat there scared and sad. Scared for life without programming and sad because this life has been what I’ve known for a long time. I wasn’t ready to leave it behind – but yet I was at the same time.

I regained some strength in her office and allowed myself to walk out the front door. God is good and had it designed for me to attend the very first Fall Women’s Bible Study that evening. I did not want to go but was encouraged by Craig to attend. I used to attend three years ago and simply loved it. The study is called “The Potter and the Clay.” How fitting. I will be studying my purpose, how I was designed, molded and crafted, signed and sealed, and refined through the fire. I have spent the last 6 months fighting with my body and fighting with the recovery process, only to find myself at a Bible Study that summarizes my journey towards freedom.

Friday I left for the women’s retreat at Camp Spalding. Again, I hesitated in going because I wanted to isolate. Encouraged once again by my husband to attend, I went. The weekend was filled with mixed emotions, triggers, ups, downs, tears, laughter, reflection, and fellowship. I connected with some women like I never have before. I was habitually transparent (thank you Emily program!) and chose to accept whatever feelings arose. Every meal came with the temptation to throw it up, every moment screamed at me….”You haven’t worked out,” and every mother and mother/daughter duo reminded me of the loss of my own Mom. What a powerful way to begin life outside of intensive treatment. I conquered though. I was broken but I conquered through the pieces. I allowed one or two others intimately in. Amidst the tears, pain, and sorrow, I was able to reflect on what God has been doing in my life. As well, I was able to challenge Him as to WHY me! WHY my Mom! WHY not healing?! I left worship the last evening in a full on breakdown. I was about to get in my car and leave but figured I should at least be settled and grounded first. I sat in the balcony sobbing. Sobbing hard. Relentlessly saddened. I wrestled with my purpose without a Mom and questioned my own journey to recovery. It was a powerful evening in the sense that I was attuned to myself and the hold God has on my heart.

Today I still represent that timid little girl. I am scared to not be in programming and still fight feelings of aloneness.

Control vs. Acceptance

I have learned A LOT over the past six months. The journey has been long, arduous, challenging, defeating, but rewarding. I have a second chance at life - a new perspective and a growing love for myself. I've never felt love for myself before, which is an odd feeling as I begin now. I've been given my life back! I still have a far, far way to go and cannot wait until I can tag myself with the "recovered" label, but I am on the right path. The path curves and bends at times with hiccups along the way but I now know how to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.

I love control. Who doesn't, right? I have attempted to take control of my situations, experiences, appearance, etc. numerous times...not one time succeeding at it! It is as if I am continually setting myself up for failure when I know I can't rely on myself. Freeing myself of this "need for control" is life-changing. It takes practice. Practice. Practice. Practice.......

I just read a chapter out of a recovery workbook titled "Acceptance Transcends Control." It talks about the human's nature to need to be in control and how our society places a high value on it. We need control because we don't trust our own goodness, and we don't trust our own goodness because we don't know ourselves very well.

It is interesting how we let situations and/or experiences define us. "Control can become a way of life if you believe that your happiness, self-worth, success, passion, relationships, etc. depend on it. You can spend time and energy trying to get to a point where everything (including yourself) is a certain way, thinking that then you will be able to relax and enjoy. You feel good or bad according to how closely situations conform to your expectations. In everyones life, though, there is always something that is not going according to plan. The universe rarely conforms to our expectations. It's like trying to keep ten ducks in a row - invariably they wander! Life is unpredictable and basing anything on being able to control it is futile."

So how does acceptance fit in? Accepting what is. Not battling it, trying to change it, or denying it but rather embracing the reality of the situation. "In every instance, acceptance will transcend control. When there is something that you don't like about yourself or your life, something that exists right at this moment, you have a choice between resisting or accepting its presence. Your choice will determine your experience. If you resist by hating it, dwelling on it, and obsessing about control, you give it life, feel bad about yourself, and remain stuck. If you accept it without your judgements and shame, you take away its power. Accepting something doesn't mean that you like or approve of it, only that you are willing to accept reality, and release your problem's hold on you and your hold on it. Then you are free to think clearly about what to do next. Your time and energy are not caught up in resistance but rather in taking constructive action."

So, with all of that said, go enjoy today and accept what God has in store for you! Don't try to change it :)

One Thousand Words

Some say that a picture is worth a thousand words...I disagree. If a picture is THAT good I feel it should leave speechless.

There are no words.

It's so striking and powerful that it leaves you dead in your tracks like a deer in headlights.

This is how I feel about ALL photos of my Mom. I see a picture of her and I am paralyzed. I am blasted back to that memory and then I realize how distanced that memory is, because that body doesn't walk around this planet anymore. I have begun hanging photos and adding to our gallery wall at home and I find myself sitting and staring at them, over and over again. How can someone be here, be in my life for 27 years, and then just be gone...just like that. My head can't wrap my mind around it yet. Will it ever? I feel like I should be able to call her and I still text her every now and then, knowing I won't get a response. But it makes me feel close to her.

I struggle with the simple things right now. I struggle with the seasonal change, for my Mom and I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED fall and she would always make a trip over here for my October birthday to celebrate. A fire in the fireplace, warm scented candles filling the air, a cozy blanket, and a movie made every fall evening. This was my happy place. Not the beach. Not the mountains or the tropics but at home on a crisp fall evening with my Mom. This fall things will be different and I don't like different.

I struggle with the fact that my Mom doesn't know everything. She doesn't know that we had to give up Luna - and that we have a new dog! I struggle with the fact that she doesn't know I will FINALLY complete my degree in December, for that was a last minute decision. And I struggle with the fact that she is not here. I have gone 118 days without her now. This number seems so big but yet so small. I remember crying in my therapist's office on day 16 not wanting day 17 to come. I remember holding onto the days so tightly.

Pictures and memories are all I have now. Some pictures may deserve 1,000 words but my Mom's do not. They just deserve to be hung and looked at every now and then.