Motivationless

I sit here at a coffee shop motivated? No. 

With a list of things to do I find myself motivatedless. All I want to do is sit and write, sit and listen to music, and ruminate. My grief is ALL over the board. I'm a trained counselor but can't even tell what stage of grief I'm in. The shock has worn off and the loss and longing is even more intense. The tears and wailing decide to come at random times. It would be nice to have a flow chart so that I can plan for these big events. Not a day goes by yet that I don't shed a tear or two and it's hard for me to share those moments with other people. My Mom was MY Mom...no one here in Spokane knew her...so why try to convince them of her amazing heart and wonderful personality? It seems like too much of an effort sometimes. But there is no doubt that I think of her every minute of every day. I think of her smile. I think of her energy. I think of her passions. I think of her home. I think of her warm spirit. I think of her infectious joy. I think of her loving demeanor. I think of us together.

I keep trying to "find" her. It gets frustrating when I realize that I can't right now! Sometimes I text her hoping maybe to get a response back. She now sits on my mantle in a beautiful pewter heart and I sometimes try to talk to her hoping she will talk back. It's a trapped feeling and an uncomfortable one at that. Aren't Mom's supposed to respond to their daughters? Especially when they are hurting and in need of comfort. Yesterday I couldn't help but think about all of the small things that left with her on May 12th. Her words of wisdom and advice being one of them. I used to call her up to find out how to sauté veggies, cook salmon & steak, and I even remember calling her from college to ask her what percentage of milk I drank. Those small tidbits will be missed. No mother to ask questions to. It's silly to think about but these are things I DO think about, amongst many other things!

The loss is strong!!! The longing is intense!!! It's all consuming and exhausting right now.