Journal Entry

A journal entry from Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Well Monday came and went - the slowest and fastest 36 hours ever. I saw family, family friends, and met and greeted Mom’s old high school and childhood friends. It was a whirlwind and during various moments I would have considered it a blur. It’s hard to recount all that happened but what I do remember is the feeling of saying goodbye forever to my Mom. I needed to say those words, view the visual of her headstone, kissing her remains goodbye, and seeing the hole that they would eventually place her in. I needed to be surrounded with her brothers, sisters, and immediate family; however, they also brought about strong emotions of bitterness and anger in me. Every one of my cousins had both their parents there with them, Mom and Dad. Molly and I were the only ones without either parent there. It was a clear reminder of our parents’ discord and family turbulence, as well as the loss of our own Mom. It’s hard to wrap my head around. We had to lean on each other for support, being each other’s mom, dad, and sister.

I’ll continually and forever admit to the pain of losing a Mom being some of the worst pain ever. I’ve had to reconcile with a lot of memories, my childhood, and how the last 17 months have been. But I now feel a freedom to let myself begin to heal. An 8-page letter I had written to my Mom was kissed and placed amongst her remains to be buried. The angst, bitterness, hostility, empathy, and love that are portrayed with those words were buried with her. They are no more and I can repair my heart.

But I’m ready to begin the new grieving process and discover what that looks like during the days, weeks, and months ahead. I’m ready to begin working on me again.