Journal Entry

A journal entry from Sunday, June 8, 2014

Four weeks ago today was the last time I talked with my Mom. It was Sunday – Mother’s Day – and I heard her voice one last time. She sounded exhausted – like the weight of 55 years was on her shoulders. She sounded ready to give up. I remember just listening to her mumble and utter sentences that didn’t make much sense. All but sentence that is…”I love you with all of my heart and always will.”

It’s hard to NOT think about this today. It baffles me that it has been 28 days since that phone call. Who knew it would be the last? I still treasure those conversations and wonder what conversations we would be having today if she were still around.

Today I did something I’ve been waiting to do for 4 weeks. I finally watched her video she made for me. I sat in silence for 30 second before I literally burst into deep, exacerbated tears. I watch her frail figure, listen to her words, watch tears stream down her face as I myself gasp for breathe. Her 3 minutes and 30 seconds that she gave to me is something no one or nothing can replace. They are now the most meaningful and important 240 seconds to me. They are literally “her last words” to me that I will treasure forever. I was scared to watch the video she made for me in fear that her words would not be as meaningful as I was making them out to be. I was scared that the video would be watched so much and eventually “get old.” I was scared to see my emotions. I was scared to see her emotions. I was scared to see her. Now I am not scared, but rather honored to call her my Mom and will carry out what she told me to carry out…to spoil, love, and spend time with her grandkids that she will never get to meet, and to honor and cherish my husband.

I’m ready for a new week…new challenges…new successes…new experiences…