Today seemed like a fitting day to sit down and journal about what’s happening inside of me. I’m feeling turned upside down and tossed a bit from the weekend and from having to say goodbye to my childhood home of 19 years. It was an emotional experience and surely doesn’t feel real. It feels as if I will drive back over for Thanksgiving and pull into the driveway I just pulled out of yesterday.
I am so grateful that I got to see my sister, spend some quality time with my Aunt, and celebrate my birthday with all of Craig’s family. It was special to have some healthy family time carved out. And it was extra special that my Aunt came with us to Craig’s family’s dinner, because that is something my Mom would have done.
As I loaded the Budget truck, one box at a time, one mattress at a time, and one chair at a time, I couldn’t help but reflect over the memories that come with each item. I’ve come to realize that I have a strong connection to materialistic things. They hold meaning and value – I associate life and joy to tangible objects. This is why saying my goodbyes to each and every room in my Mom’s house was so hard. The memories are not being sold too, but yet at times I feel like they are. The gathering place is now gone. It is time for new traditions and new homes. Mom is officially gone. This is a concept so hard to grasp right now.
I’ve been challenged to move forward. To mourn the present, recognize what is sad and what hurts, and to ask myself, “what can I do to still move on with life without getting stuck?” This is a hard question to ask myself right now. I feel a bit flooded and overwhelmed with how I should be feeling, what I should be doing, who to connect with and open up to, and what is the healthiest move for me right now.
I can’t help but think of my Mom with all of her stuff dispersed around our house. We had our amazing Bible study come and help us unload a huge truck full of stuff last night, rewarding them with pizza! As the men moved items into our house the women stayed inside to rearrange, rearrange, and rearrange some more. It warmed my heart to have so many people around us, supporting us during this difficult and emotional experience. Yet I think this also confused me. I had pushed all sadness aside and refused to acknowledge any of it this weekend, only turning around to bite me in the butt today.
What do I need? I’m not quite sure. I know I need people around me (which I have!), I need to continually reach out for support (outside of the Emily Program), and I need others to connect with me on an intimate and emotional level to let me know it is going to be ok. This is by far the most difficult journey I’ve been on.