big girls don't cry!

[this post was written mid flight from Spokane to Seattle but please note my iPad was in flight mode. No transmitters were interrupted by my signal]

"I don't cry" is what I used to say. I said this mainly because I didn't cry. I don't cry. It's always been hard for me to cry. But now I sit on a plane, high in the sky, and let a tear slip out. Possibly two. I try to wipe them before the kind gentleman sitting next to me notices.

The last time I was on a plane I couldn't cry - even though I tried and wanted to. The last time in the sky was right after I'd received the call that mom had passed. That was the most uncomfortable 45 minutes if my life...being squished into a plane seat with a bunch of strangers surrounding me who have absolutely NO IDEA why I was on the plane. I remember feeling as if it was the "calm" before the storm. I knew what I was headed home to - grief, mourning, pain, and shock.

As I watch the clouds pass by I can't help but think of the last flight I was on and the emotions that came along with that experience. This is a new experience, for I haven't been home since. Last time I walked through my mom's front door I knew she was still upstairs (her body was) and that I could do the first thing I'd done for the past 17 months, which was run straight up to her room to crawl in bed with her! I was able to do that last time - though it was a dramatically different experience. But this time is even more different. This will be the first time I can't go run and see her. It's a new sort of newness. A newness to get used to. Ouch. I don't like change.

As mentioned above, my emotions now come freely and randomly. It's a freeing feeling but one so uncomfortable to me! God is faithful though in answering my prayer from long ago, Lord - please soften my heart and create vulnerability and transparency. Allow emotions and allow expression. 

Well, He sure answers requests in unique (and hard) ways.

The week ahead brings hesitancy, excitement, anxiety, sadness, joy, and celebration! Onward to my dearest of dearest sissy, Molly's wedding on Saturday! I'm so blessed to able to go home for an entire week to support her and help in a sisterly way. As well, there is no one closer to my heart than her when it comes to my mom's presence. We are all each other has - a bond so thick!! Don't mess with the Stephens girls...