The Honesty of the Holiday

I'm not sure life will ever be the same….

Reality hit this past week. As families celebrated happiness, joy, and togetherness, my family celebrated the fact that my Mom came home from hospice, for we didn't think she would. We had the luxury of walking her out of her room. 

And it was on Christmas Eve that Craig, Molly, and I followed the ambulance that carried my Mom home. 

As the EMT's maneuvered the gurney through the hallway and to the downstairs couch (in front of our fireplace), my Mom quietly uttered the words, "I haven't been downstairs since October 8th." 

That's when it hit me. Life has been different over the last 12 months, or as my Mom said, "the last 12 minutes." And this Christmas Eve and Christmas (and 'winter break') has also been different. I never thought I'd drive home for the holidays and have to drive straight to the Hospice House. I never thought I'd be the one lifting my Mom out of bed, holding her as she finds her balance, and positioning her legs when she gets restless. I'm assuming this is why the Lord doesn't let us in on what's to come because I don't think we would ever admit to surviving the obstacles. But He gives us strength AS we approach hardships, knowing exactly HOW MUCH we can handle. Don't get me wrong. I am not personally testifying to an unreal amount of strength and peace, but I am testifying to being able to rest in His hands.

My Mom has been my rock but now it seems I need to become her rock.

As I rubbed her arm this morning, whispering sweet 'goodbyes' in her ear, she muttered, "goodbye, but I'm sleeping." Oh…still finding humor in the smallest ways. Her humor hasn't left her side and sleep has become her BFF, not letting ANYTHING or ANYONE get in her way!

365 Day

365 days = 525,600 minutes = 8,760 hours = 31,536,000 seconds

One year ago today we were sat down by my Mom's best friend for her to share the unfortunate news. One year ago today we were told my Mom had a tumor (maybe multiple) that was cancerous.

One year ago today our thoughts of my "healthy" Mom, who would live forever to see Molly get married, meet her grandkids, etc., changed to thoughts of an "unhealthy" Mom.

One year ago today we embarked on the hardest journey that life has taken us.

One year ago today my Mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

We have been with this information now for 31,536,000 seconds. My Mom has fought for her life now for 8,760 hours. Each minute of the 525,600 minutes has been considered a blessing. It's been 365 days today.

As I reflect back on that day I remember thinking, "oh! this too shall pass! it's just an obstacle that is trying to get in her way! she will survive this and it will make her a stronger person." Though it has made her a stronger woman - it hasn't been in the physical sense. Her body is weak, her bones show through, but her smile and sense of humor remain (for she attempted to chuck her mashed potatoes at Craig last night after telling him that if he put vaseline on his face first they should just slide right off). We can't help but laugh with her and keep life as familiar as possible.

With decorations hung and Christmas cards posted on her wall, the hospice center has been a comfortable place for us all. The staff are incredible here and treat my Mom with royalty. She sleeps most of the time, which allows for me to catch up on 'what's new' in Women's Health & People magazines, as well as be familiar with everyone's Facebook status! Perfect creeping time!

Craig and I spent time down in Portland this past weekend, celebrating Christmas with Dad & Karen! We then trekked it north yesterday and spent all day here at hospice with Mom - watching Home Alone 1 & 2. We fed her some roast beef, which seemed to give her a boost in energy, enough to get her up and walking for 10 whole minutes! She has't walked in MONTHS!!! As Molly trailed behind with the IV pole, her feeble little legs carried her down the hall and back. We were extremely proud of her but then she came back and crashed.

It's been a long day today, seeing that it is now 5:19pm and I started writing this blog around 1pm. The Smith's arrived for an all day visit, followed by long-time family friends. I crashed on the couch for a bit - fighting a migraine! But all in all, it's nice to have family and friends support us through this hard time.  And the good news received this morning is that they think she can go home on Christmas! We just all have to be trained on how to operate her IV machine. What a wonderful gift that would be!!

Blessings during this holiday season!

Update from Caring Bridge

No news is good news, right? 

My Mom's condition worsens as she "recovers" from the procedure she had back in October. My apologies for not sending out an update sooner, but the clarity of the CT scan results were questionable. They were not able to get an accurate reading of the tumor - able to see if it was beginning to turn black (die off) - which is the outcome they were looking for from the procedure. However, they did not find any growth OR any shrinkage in tumor size. 

Mom is bed bound for the most part with hospice still coming in every three days to bathe her and the nurse checking in on her regularly. As Aunt Becky tires quickly, due to the bladder demands of my Mom, she has called in for backup from neighbors and friends. What a HUGE blessing to know my Aunt and Mom are surrounded with people who will step in to relieve my Aunt for just a few hours. She is up with my Mom every 30 minutes throughout the night - talk about similarities between my Mom and a brand new baby!!! 

The Lord is protecting us and still has my Mom cradled in His hands. It is hard being all the way over here in Spokane, not being able to help out as Molly has, leaving me with feelings of guilt and helplessness. But I continue to thank Him for what he has given my family during this difficult time. 

It is hard to approach the holidays with "laughter and cheer," as all the Christmas songs sing about. I've been guilty for approaching the holiday with "clatter and fear." What will this season look like? Nontraditional and different, for sure. But as our family rearranges and configures this holiday season to what we have been blessed with, we remember the true reason for the Christmas season and are grateful for the gift of Christ, salvation, and his loving forgiveness and grace.

Thank you for your continued prayers. A miracle is still needed… 

Merry Christmas and God Bless, 

words that aren't my own...

"It is easy to love my dad.  He is strong, patient, loving, generous and kind.  He is the rock that my sister and I will always need.  He is always there to listen to us, love us and support us.  He is a stand up guy.  My dad has helped many people over the years both financially and emotionally.  He is a giver and a helper.  The one you call with any problem when you need a solution.  The one who will always believe in you, even when you don't believe in yourself.  The one who will drive with you to work and then bus back home just so that you can drive in the carpool lane.  The one who brings the beer to the party.  The one who always buys and picks up the tab. I will always love my dad through the good and the bad."

Couldn't have said it better myself, sis.