Bits & Pieces of Me

This is a journal entry I made two days ago and feel it describes where my head is at - where life is taking me. Sorry I've been so quiet on my blog, but I probably will be for the next month or so with some tough anniversary and event dates coming up. Prayers appreciated! Thanks to all who support me! 

April 24, 2015

I feel today was such a pivotal day in my recovery journey. By no means is it going to be easy from here on out, but I gained a lot of insight and felt I took a lot in today. I didn’t fight my sadness or depression but rather leaned in to it to see what would happen. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel I got to talk about what I needed to talk about and process in session but it was still really good. I was distracted the entire time by the things circling around in my mind but the best part was that I was still listening to Dee. I was still hanging with her even though my mind wanted to go elsewhere. I tried not to fight the frustration that arose from not processing the sadness I was feeling, which allowed me to open up more towards the end. Because I hadn’t fought it, it was still an available emotion to express since I hadn’t completely closed myself off to it. HUGE.

Aside from the intense grief, I feel my mind was blown during session. Dee talked most of the time but it was such good material. I just feel like a curtain was dropped and a bit more of my life was revealed to me. A crap ton of insight!  I was challenged with the idea of having “needy” on my characteristics list right now and being okay with it. This really hit hard. Accepting that derogatory term? I label it as negative, no one else does. I have associated all things bad with needing love and support right now – or any other time in my life. I was taught to be strong, independent, and tough! Needy is the exact opposite of that. Then I look for evidence from others that I can use to prove I’m needy in a negative way. The flow chart she drew out is sitting right next to me. I’m such a visual person that it helps to actually see the cycle I cycle through. I can’t begin to explain how much this makes sense and how it is leaving my jaw on the floor in amazement. Why I seek the type of attention I do, primarily with an eating disorder, is for reassurance. Reassurance that I’m okay, I will be okay, and that I’m okay in the moment. I’m constantly seeking from others feedback as to how I am doing and how I am feeling. If other people are upset with me I can’t sleep. If I for some reason think that someone is annoyed with me, I won’t settle until I find out if they are. Therapy and The Emily Program has been a great practice field. They are people who are most consistent and that I know won’t go anywhere, so I’ve noticed that how I act there is a reflection of how I am in the real world. I’m anxious in relationships, sometimes needing more but afraid to ask, and when I do ask I judge myself as needy and annoying, feeling like I’m going to burn out all staff there. I’ve felt this way all through program but am just now able to make sense of it! I never got the reassurance I needed growing up…not at all. So, to this day, I still base MY worth and purpose on external relationships and behaviors. That doesn’t even make sense because it’s MY worth and purpose. Who else can tell me what that is besides God and myself? It’s crazy if you think about it. And the cycle continues because if I don’t get the reassurance I need I use a behavior, then get upset with myself because I am not keeping to my high standards of “perfect” I set for myself, and there in start the cycle over. If I do get the reassurance I need, like today I did, I feel filled, needed, and loved.

I felt that the conversation, or presentation that Dee gave me :), today was exactly what I needed even though I felt I needed to process grief. It turned out I did both and walked away with a novel full of information. It’s a bit overwhelming but good material. My appointment with Michelle today was where I received the most reassurance. Even though I need to venture away from relying on others, it was just what I needed. We had a really good 30-minute conversation about life, recovery, my battle with ED, and how far I’ve come. She even got a little teary-eyed. I asked her if she looks at me and thinks ‘eating disorder’ still. She said not anymore. She sees me as a young woman, fighting for her life, winning, and attempting to begin a beautiful adventure on the road to recovery. This truly made me smile and realize I’m NOT the person I was when I walked in there over a year ago. She said it’s a privilege to work with me and has been since day one. She said she remembered the day Krista asked her to be my dietician (because it was supposed to be Stacey) and she knew it was for a reason. The conversation we had was hard and challenging because I transparently told her where my head has been but by the end I felt a little bit stronger. She challenged me to move “lose 6 pounds” from the top of my ‘to do’ list and slowly work it towards the bottom. I’m still so fused with the idea that if I lose 6 pounds I’ll be happier. On the top of my list needs to be getting pregnant, have a baby, be a healthy mom, and be a healthy wife. I also challenged my ED by saying that I wouldn’t know how to define myself without an ED. After being in treatment for 6 months and acknowledging the severity of my ED and my identity to him, I am really good at saying, “Hi my name is Megan and I have an ED.” She challenged me to flip it and say, “Hi my name is Megan. I have my masters in school counseling, am married to a wonderful husband, we are trying to begin a family, and am in recovery from an ED.” Wow…putting other ‘to-do’s’ and descriptors first is challenging, but such a good perspective.