This is a journal entry I made two days ago and feel it describes where my head is at - where life is taking me. Sorry I've been so quiet on my blog, but I probably will be for the next month or so with some tough anniversary and event dates coming up. Prayers appreciated! Thanks to all who support me!
April 24, 2015
I feel today was such a
pivotal day in my recovery journey. By no means is it going to be easy from
here on out, but I gained a lot of insight and felt I took a lot in today. I
didn’t fight my sadness or depression but rather leaned in to it to see what would
happen. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel I got to talk about what I needed to talk
about and process in session but it was still really good. I was distracted the
entire time by the things circling around in my mind but the best part was that
I was still listening to Dee. I was still hanging with her even though my mind
wanted to go elsewhere. I tried not to fight the frustration that arose from
not processing the sadness I was feeling, which allowed me to open up more
towards the end. Because I hadn’t fought it, it was still an available emotion
to express since I hadn’t completely closed myself off to it. HUGE.
Aside from the intense
grief, I feel my mind was blown during session. Dee talked most of the time but
it was such good material. I just feel like a curtain was dropped and a bit
more of my life was revealed to me. A crap ton of insight! I was challenged with the idea of having
“needy” on my characteristics list right now and being okay with it. This
really hit hard. Accepting that derogatory term? I label it as negative, no one
else does. I have associated all things bad with needing love and support right
now – or any other time in my life. I was taught to be strong, independent, and
tough! Needy is the exact opposite of that. Then I look for evidence from
others that I can use to prove I’m needy in a negative way. The flow chart she
drew out is sitting right next to me. I’m such a visual person that it helps to
actually see the cycle I cycle through. I can’t begin to explain how much this
makes sense and how it is leaving my jaw on the floor in amazement. Why I seek
the type of attention I do, primarily with an eating disorder, is for
reassurance. Reassurance that I’m okay, I will be okay, and that I’m okay in
the moment. I’m constantly seeking from others feedback as to how I am doing
and how I am feeling. If other people are upset with me I can’t sleep. If I for
some reason think that someone is annoyed with me, I won’t settle until I find
out if they are. Therapy and The Emily Program has been a great practice field.
They are people who are most consistent and that I know won’t go anywhere, so
I’ve noticed that how I act there is a reflection of how I am in the real
world. I’m anxious in relationships, sometimes needing more but afraid to ask, and
when I do ask I judge myself as needy and annoying, feeling like I’m going to
burn out all staff there. I’ve felt this way all through program but am just
now able to make sense of it! I never got the reassurance I needed growing up…not
at all. So, to this day, I still base MY worth and purpose on external
relationships and behaviors. That doesn’t even make sense because it’s MY worth
and purpose. Who else can tell me what that is besides God and myself? It’s
crazy if you think about it. And the cycle continues because if I don’t get the
reassurance I need I use a behavior, then get upset with myself because I am
not keeping to my high standards of “perfect” I set for myself, and there in
start the cycle over. If I do get the reassurance I need, like today I did, I
feel filled, needed, and loved.
I felt that the
conversation, or presentation that Dee gave me :), today was exactly what
I needed even though I felt I needed to process grief. It turned out I did both
and walked away with a novel full of information. It’s a bit overwhelming but
good material. My appointment with Michelle today was where I received the most
reassurance. Even though I need to venture away from relying on others, it was
just what I needed. We had a really good 30-minute conversation about life,
recovery, my battle with ED, and how far I’ve come. She even got a little
teary-eyed. I asked her if she looks at me and thinks ‘eating disorder’ still.
She said not anymore. She sees me as a young woman, fighting for her life,
winning, and attempting to begin a beautiful adventure on the road to recovery.
This truly made me smile and realize I’m NOT the person I was when I walked in
there over a year ago. She said it’s a privilege to work with me and has been
since day one. She said she remembered the day Krista asked her to be my dietician
(because it was supposed to be Stacey) and she knew it was for a reason. The
conversation we had was hard and challenging because I transparently told her
where my head has been but by the end I felt a little bit stronger. She
challenged me to move “lose 6 pounds” from the top of my ‘to do’ list and
slowly work it towards the bottom. I’m still so fused with the idea that if I
lose 6 pounds I’ll be happier. On the top of my list needs to be getting
pregnant, have a baby, be a healthy mom, and be a healthy wife. I also
challenged my ED by saying that I wouldn’t know how to define myself without an
ED. After being in treatment for 6 months and acknowledging the severity of my
ED and my identity to him, I am really good at saying, “Hi my name is Megan and
I have an ED.” She challenged me to flip it and say, “Hi my name is Megan. I
have my masters in school counseling, am married to a wonderful husband, we are
trying to begin a family, and am in recovery from an ED.” Wow…putting other
‘to-do’s’ and descriptors first is challenging, but such a good perspective.
