Eight Entirely Too Long Months

It's been a while since my last post, please forgive me. A lot has happened over the past month - but more emotions arose than anything. It was hard for me to pull out of deep sadness or thought to write and reflect. The holidays were a whirlwind, celebrating Christmas on four different occasions. The absence of my Mom was heavy and her cheerful holiday demeanor was missed. It was good to be with close friends and family but hard to be reminded of life without her. A part of me wanted to isolate and stay in Spokane and not have to face the west side of the state. Craig and I traveled with as much strength as we could. I can confidently say though that I have survived my first set of holidays without Mom. I was grateful to spend quality time with Molly and Dustin at their cute little home in Burien and celebrate as Mom would have on Christmas Eve, without a tradition missing (well...maybe church).

The stress for the holidays has subsided but there have been other obstacles to maneuver through. I landed on a slippery slope towards the end of October, around my birthday, and began restricting a snack here and a food item there. On the days I let myself workout I began restricting some more. I was fully aware of the red flags popping up but wanted to focus on my grief and how to deal with that. My birthday came and went, Thanksgiving, graduation and completing my masters, getting a job, Christmas, and New year's. These were all triggering events that created a need for control. Since Mom couldn't be there I wanted control of something...anything. I recognized the pattern real quickly but wasn't honest with my therapist, dietician, family, or Craig. Each week I was losing a pound. This doesn't seem like much but to an ED client and her team it is. I have learned that one pound = 3,500 calories. So to gain a pound a week, 3,500 extra calories must me consumed and vice versa. Eek. There was a deficit for sure. The wake up call occurred last Monday - a week ago today - when my dietician mentioned the thought of me stepping back in to program. Excuse my language...but HELL NO! I immediately began crying and admitted to needing boat loads of support. Hello reality!!! My therapist wanted me back in on Tuesday for another session and to not skirt around the ED issues. Ok. Let's chat. It was painful, embarrassing, and humbling to say the least. But the last 100 or so words out of her mouth would be the words to inspire a newfound motivation. It's like my "distorted goggles" were taken off and I could see my future as she explained her observations. The next few days consisted of the refeeding process. Nauseous. Aches. Pains. Sickness. The works. My body wanted to reject everything that wasn't liquid. Argh. But I had done this to myself so I was able to own it. I can amazingly say that seven days later I am in a much better spot and wanting to be done with ED for good! I am so over this.

But another hurdle has arisen. Life just isn't letting up for us...but I say over and over again...I guess that's ok. While being transparent about ED and other obstacles I might as well throw out there that Craig and I have been trying to get pregnant since July. Through the blessing of a close friend we were able to get extensive testing done (on both of us) for free, since pregnancy just wasn't happening. Just before the holidays we found out that our chances of getting pregnant naturally each month stand at 2%. Two percent?! Seriously Lord?! Why me?! Why us?! Why not a break from tough stuff?! With the scientific and technical jargon pushed aside...our time left to have kids is minimal. We were presented with two options: option A and option B. Option B is more invasive, stands at a 50% chance of success, more expensive, and less of a time commitment. Option A is less invasive, stands at a 10% chance of success, less expensive, and more of a time commitment. Craig and I spent a lot of time in prayer and a lot of time consulting with friends and family we trust and have decided to go with option B...in veto fertilization (IVF). I never thought we would be on this road. I selfishly thought after God taking my Mom home that we would be blessed with an easy process of getting pregnant. Right? Wrong. God's plans have been different for us and at times that is hard to accept. So, for all you prayer warriors out there, please pray and pray hard. We begin the IVF process beginning of February with a completed round by middle of March (with a hope of pregnancy!). If you know me then you know I don't do well with needles, blood, pain, anything hospital related, etc. Well, this consists of self-injections daily, lab work every other day, and ultrasounds every other day. But we are in this together and committed. So if you begin to notice my time being limited on Facebook you should know why...it seems every three days there is a pregnancy announcement in my newsfeed. It takes everything in me to not get bitter. I need to look specifically at OUR lives and not at others.

With this said, today is a hard day. Today Mom has been in heaven for eight entire months. I mourn the ability to call her up and talk with her about our infertility and upcoming treatments. I thirst for my Mom at a time such as this. But if I have recognized anything over the past week it has been the abundant blessing of support I have around me!!!! So many motherly figures. So many new and intimate friendships. A ton of mentors. So much support. I love you Mom to pieces and know you are safe where you are at. I pray that God can allow you to sneak a peak into our future to meet your beautiful grandkids before we even get to name them. They will be here soon enough and I can't wait for the day to announce a pregnancy.

I.L.Y.T.P

❤️