Thursday, November 20, 2014

the meaning of friendships

When one door closes another one opens? Is that how the saying goes? Well...I feel it to be true in my life right now...literally and figuratively. The doors closed to Mom's house two weeks ago and they reopened to a new family last weekend. As I reflect back over the 19 years in that home I can't help but feel sad about the loss but I hope for many more memories created there by a new family.

Some days it is harder to count my blessings...some days it is relatively easy. More days than not though I struggle to see what's good. However, the past week I have been able to reflect on how faithful God has been. He hasn't left my side for a single second, which is evident! My life eight months ago was not even close to how my life is now. I feel like a completely different person...someone living with a second chance at life. The one area I have been been extremely blessed in is friendships. I've never felt I have had genuine, authentic friendships, mainly because I always hid behind my ED and never allowed for intimacy in relationships. I have had one or two best friends along the way but never a full circle of people I can call 'close friends.' My fault? Probably. But the grace of God overcomes anything I have ever done (or not done). The Emily Program has given me some lifelong friendships. The other day I realized that for 13+ years I was surrounded 100% by people who didn't truly know me, know my hidden struggles, and understand the depth of pain and agony of an ED. I look back and see an imposter. Today, I am surrounded 100% by people who do truly know me (inside and out), know my hidden struggles, and authentically understand the hardship of recovery. The friends in my life are on the path with me. Some walk in front of me and some walk just a few steps behind me but we are all in this together. I have never had such intimate friendships. These will last a lifetime.

Back in February, when I had my intake, my therapist told me that people with an eating disorder and those in recovery are part of a tribe. I looked at her, laughed, and said "I don't want to be a part of that tribe." Well, for the one thousandth time, my therapist is correct. It is a tribe. A band of people who all fully understand each other. We can look at one another and just know. A text as simple as, "I'm struggling," voices a hundred words. We get it. We understand. And we value the struggle because we want the outcome for each other.

God has been extremely faithful in blessing me with more friends right now than I have ever had before. True friends. Faithful friends. Encouraging friends. It is an odd feeling to know I can pick up my phone and call one of 25 people. They get it. They are part of my tribe.































Recovery IS possible!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

words not my own

I couldn't bring myself to write anything yesterday in honor of Mom's 6 month anniversary of her passing. Sometimes other people express what I am feeling better than I can. Right now it seems that my sister and I are experiencing a mirror image of our feelings, emotions, and struggles. It is comforting to know that we understand each other during this difficult time. Here is what my sister posted yesterday about our childhood home selling, which is almost identical to what I could have written. I love you Sis and so grateful I have you.


Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A House, No Longer a Home


"The only way I know how to write this 6 month anniversary post is by sharing what has happened over the last few weeks.

4 days before we left for Europe, we received news that someone had placed a generous cash offer on my mom's home. A home where my aunt still lived, where memories were created for 21 years and where mom's belongings still had a place in every room. A home that wasn't going to enter the housing market until spring and a home that I still had time to sort through carefully and thoughtfully, when I was ready.

4 days before Europe, I was alerted via text message about the surprising cash offer and was asked to move my things out before our trip. It was strictly business, no ounce of compassion was conveyed by any of the characters that were spelled out on the screen of my phone.

After chaos settled, emotions were set aside and everyone came to an agreement that we could move our belongings out after our trip. It made the move rushed because time was limited and a closing date was in sight. Sorting, sharing and remembering each belonging was no longer possible. We were on a deadline.

When I would to try to explain how I felt about losing the house so soon, many responses hurt me even more. So I stopped.

"It's just a house."
"Well, it makes sense."
"It was going to sell anyways."
"It's frustrating to tell you such good news and have you react negatively."

The house officially closed last Friday and I am sure the new family has already settled in, enjoyed a few meals and hopefully gathered around the fireplace. Mom's siblings seem to be excited that the "long process" is over. Was that home really more of a pain than a joy for everyone else?

The article I posted yesterday empathized with the emotions I still struggle with and made me realized that the house is another gigantic loss and another hole that cannot be filled. However, she mentions that these problems are no longer at the top of everyone's mind. Can I blame others and be mad at them? I want to, but I can't.

I could continue to babble on, but want to keep this post short. Hopefully, it gives you a glimpse into the life of someone who is still mourning months or even years after a loved one has passed. Maybe you can consider placing another person's problem at the top of your mind for a few minutes. Maybe you can even relate?

6 months down, many more to go."

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

NET day

National NET Cancer Awareness Day
November 10, 2014
I wasn't aware of what yesterday was until my cousin sent me a text, letting me know she was thinking about my Mom today. Yesterday was national neuroendocrine cancer awareness day. This is what took my Mom's life. A form of NET cancer called carcinoid cancer.
It makes me mad to think about. It also makes me sad. But more importantly, there are times when I feel glad. Glad to have known her and glad to have been her daughter.

A friend sent me this article the other day. At first I didn't want to read it but then just felt a burden to do so. I read it through, without a tear, sitting back in awe of how TRUE this author's words are.

9 THINGS I LEARNED IN THE YEAR AFTER MY MOTHER PASSED
(ALYSSA SAMSON)

Scars: They are a testament to injury, proof of survival and, at times, as indiscernible as a line etched delicately along the crevice of an eye. Although not all mar the physical appearance, they are all there, emotionally and mentally etched upon the skin like a latticework of fragmented memories and barely-remembered moments.
As badges of both honor and dishonor, scars are forever, branded on the heart, and as time continues, we soldier on, somehow stronger.
It was a Sunday. November 3, 2013 inflicted a wound like none other, reaching inside of me and tearing out what was left of my beating heart. It was the day I shattered to a million pieces without a hope in the world to piece it back together.
It was the day I lost my mother.
I’m not sure how one describes the jumble of emotions, the racket of wailings or the enduring isolation that follows when a mother passes. The very fabric of life seems to buckle and cave in from the sheer burden of it all. Sense no longer works as a blanket of indifference that separates you from the raw emotions and delight of life.
Breathing is an effort. Organs go on strike. And then, life lurches forward with a momentum so strong that it defies physics. Suddenly, I found myself lost and alone, suffocating in a world of white noise.
It didn’t matter if I was in a crowd of people or surrounded by those I had left. I felt a visceral separation and an undercurrent of another seething emotion.
I was angry. That day had taken my biggest supporter and my number-one fan from me, and I wanted to give up. Words fail to exhaustively articulate the painful parting of mother and daughter… or having to write your mother’s eulogy at age 24… or the knowledge that you’ll never hear her voice again.
Or, the desperation of listening to every voicemail you ever saved on repeat, just to capture a last lingering moment with her.
Losing someone so significant, inspirational and influential is an experience no textbook or novel could begin to teach me to comprehend. Now, as a year without her approaches, I count my moments by breaths and no longer by hours or minutes.
As I look back on the breaths I have survived, struggling to cross that bridge of adversity and pain, I have figured out how to survive. Here’s what I’ve learned:

I learned the world won’t stop for you.

There are many days that still leave me defeated, but life isn’t a video game. You can’t pause the moment or rewind time; you are not given an infinite number of lives.
You are given one life, and the world will continue to move on, despite the fact you may feel like your whole world has stopped. The only way to heal is to keep moving.

I learned your troubles will not always be at the forefront of everyone else’s mind.

When you are fighting your own internal battles, it seems surreal when no one else notices the torment raging just below your surface. You may feel as though you are screaming and railing against the bars of life, but still, no one will hear you.
Through this experience, I learned people will move on quicker than you will. Sympathy is fleeting when you are not the one with an injured wing — and that’s okay.

I learned love knows no boundaries.

I used to fear that moving away from those I loved most would hinder my relationships and somehow fade with physical distance. Now, I fear the unrequited stream of communication with the person I love most will cause those precious memories to slip through my fingers, like a wisp of smoke.
But love — unconditional love, at that — knows no boundaries; it will never be lost, regardless of the distance in time and space.

I learned that though people can’t be replaced, you can still find peace.

Justifying death can put you on a journey with a revolving door. It is endless and forever spinning. No amount of begging, crying or yelling could possibly right the wrong you feel.
While it will take a lifetime to recover from the emptiness I feel, I have taken a step down the path of self-preservation to find peace within myself.

I learned there is strength in perception.

You could spend years wondering why the world chose to plague you with misery and misfortune or you can pick up your head and see the heartbreak around you. Someone else may be willing to give everything to have the gifts you overlook in your own life.
When sadness and despair begin to close in around me, I find myself redirecting those thoughts to others who are struggling elsewhere. Reevaluating the negatives in your life with a different perspective can often bring you a step closer toward reconciliation.

I learned to be grateful for what you still have.

The happiest people are those who value what they have rather than focusing on what they lack. How can you appreciate the good without the bad? If you lost something or someone dear to you, take a moment to appreciate everything you still have within reach, regardless of how big or small.

I learned you still have control in your life.

Understanding you have control over your emotions and actions is the first step toward overcoming any obstacle.
You may not be able to change everything that happens to you in life, but you can change how you react and behave in challenging situations and the direction you choose next.

I learned adversity isn’t an excuse to give up.

Motivation. Dreams. Goals. Focusing on forward movement will not only keep you from remaining stuck in the past, but also help to purify your thoughts.
In the end, after you overcome those struggles, you can look back to see the strength in your pain. You can rarely recover what you lost, but you still have everything to gain.

I learned it’s never truly goodbye, only see you later.

I know in my heart my mother will never be gone, even when I’m aging in my rocking chair. As the one person in my life who is irreplaceable, I know she will always be there. So, it is not goodbye, just see you later — until next time.


Saturday, November 1, 2014

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I think about you every hour of every day. I still can't believe you are gone from this Earth...for most days I am constantly in disbelief. Shouldn't I have already gone through that stage of the grieving process? Just know that the disbelief comes from a tender spot. You were the best mother and still contributed a nurturing motherly figure at my old age of 27. Your kindness stretched far, which is why I sometimes do not want to believe that Jesus has you right now. There is a gigantic hole in my heart that truly cannot be patched...at least not yet.

I still feel like yesterday was May 12th. Mom, I know others have moved on but to Molly and myself the grief is still that heavy. We sort of feel as if we are in our own world...mourning you minutely, hourly, and by the second.

The past month has been one of the hardest. You have missed out on a lot already. You would be so proud though. So proud. My birthday weekend was filled with laughter, pumpkin donuts, and smiles! However, the day of my birthday I sat around waiting for you to call. I could just hear you through the phone, "Happy Birthday Meggie!" You always made birthdays the most special day of the year. This year was the first time I didn't want it to be the most special day of the year. Mom, I don't want to be 28. I refuse to be any age but the age I was when you passed away. I am stuck at being 27 years old. Is that normal?

Halloween was last night too! I couldn't help but grieve the empty house sitting on 361st place. The house that contained so much life...especially on Halloween! It was your favorite! You loved the trick or treaters so much and cared for them as if they were you own. The gate you had built so trick or treaters wouldn't fall off the front porch is still there...showing your care and concern.




Today is November 1st. I can't believe how quickly the months have flown by. The house is selling this month, which means a new family at 138 S. 361st Place. New memories will be created there. I don't like it. It scares me and it is sad. That is YOUR house and I have to let it go. This is such a hard journey Mom.
 

I.L.Y.T.P
❤️