Oceans

The song on my heart today:

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior 

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours, and You are mine

This past week grief has barricaded itself right in front of me, parked, with the emergency brake on. It's raw because of the close proximity to my Mom's loss last week. The week was full of celebration, laughter, shared memories, coffee, dancing, and more dancing! The week was also full of sadness, reminiscing, loss, emptiness, and heartache. I stayed back at my Mom's house for the first time since her passing. It was a weird feeling to walk through the front door, not having her there to greet me, or at least knowing where I could find her to run and greet her! It was an odd feeling with the blessing of my Aunt around to comfort me! Her smell still lingers and the house hasn't changed. I was so grateful for Ant B because she made it a cozy and warm stay, despite the lingering feeling of loss and absence.

We sang this song in church this morning, Oceans, by Hillsong. I've heard it played over and over again on the radio - I even have the words down to sing along with it. However, it touched a tender spot in my heart today. I realized for the first time the meaning of the song and the impact it has on my faith. He has called me out onto the waters as He did with Peter. This is a place where feet fail us because of our inability to walk on water. Powerful! He calls us to a place He knows we can't go on our own, bringing us back and humbling us to have to rely on Him. And it is there, in those deep waters, in the hard times and the trying times, that our faith will be made stronger. So, as I pass through the days of sadness and grief I will keep my eyes ABOVE the waves knowing that it is there I will find the much needed rest. I'm exhausted. I'm worn. I'm His.

The day of my sissy's wedding

Today is the day. The day she has been waiting for. The day every little girl waits for - her wedding day. 

Her dress is pressed and steamed, her heels aligned, teeth whitened, hair done, girls by her side, and joy abounding! 

I love her so much and could not be more happy for her. I love Dustin as I would love my own brother and am excited to officially add him to the family (he has been part of the fam for years). 

As her older sissy I stand by her side. I lovingly look at her and tell her I love her. 

She is my everything and the sole resemblance of Mom. 

I love you to pieces....Molly.

big girls don't cry!

[this post was written mid flight from Spokane to Seattle but please note my iPad was in flight mode. No transmitters were interrupted by my signal]

"I don't cry" is what I used to say. I said this mainly because I didn't cry. I don't cry. It's always been hard for me to cry. But now I sit on a plane, high in the sky, and let a tear slip out. Possibly two. I try to wipe them before the kind gentleman sitting next to me notices.

The last time I was on a plane I couldn't cry - even though I tried and wanted to. The last time in the sky was right after I'd received the call that mom had passed. That was the most uncomfortable 45 minutes if my life...being squished into a plane seat with a bunch of strangers surrounding me who have absolutely NO IDEA why I was on the plane. I remember feeling as if it was the "calm" before the storm. I knew what I was headed home to - grief, mourning, pain, and shock.

As I watch the clouds pass by I can't help but think of the last flight I was on and the emotions that came along with that experience. This is a new experience, for I haven't been home since. Last time I walked through my mom's front door I knew she was still upstairs (her body was) and that I could do the first thing I'd done for the past 17 months, which was run straight up to her room to crawl in bed with her! I was able to do that last time - though it was a dramatically different experience. But this time is even more different. This will be the first time I can't go run and see her. It's a new sort of newness. A newness to get used to. Ouch. I don't like change.

As mentioned above, my emotions now come freely and randomly. It's a freeing feeling but one so uncomfortable to me! God is faithful though in answering my prayer from long ago, Lord - please soften my heart and create vulnerability and transparency. Allow emotions and allow expression. 

Well, He sure answers requests in unique (and hard) ways.

The week ahead brings hesitancy, excitement, anxiety, sadness, joy, and celebration! Onward to my dearest of dearest sissy, Molly's wedding on Saturday! I'm so blessed to able to go home for an entire week to support her and help in a sisterly way. As well, there is no one closer to my heart than her when it comes to my mom's presence. We are all each other has - a bond so thick!! Don't mess with the Stephens girls...