August
23, 2014
The
last eight days have been a whirlwind. With ups and downs, I am still feeling
sad about being back in Spokane. For the first time I felt a connection to my Mom – a
connection that was hard to leave in Federal Way.
It
was an interesting trip over to the west side on Friday. Our patience was
tested, my ED was screaming at me, and we were trying to stay calm. Two flat
tires, a tow truck, a jump for our dead battery, Les Schwab for a new tire,
traffic, a missed appointment in Mt. Vernon, and a lot of confusion at the vet
was enough to drain us. I was already anxious about the trip home and what all
it was going to entail, but I had no idea the testing of my faith in getting
there.
Surprisingly,
the trip was better than I had anticipated! I thoroughly enjoyed going through
Mom’s stuff and tossing out “junk” that had no meaning. It was a cleansing
feeling! However, the sentimental memories were harder to pass by quickly.
Thinking of our childhood, reminiscing over good times shared, and realizing
her life was gone was hard. I spent over 10 hours going through boxes in the
garage of my childhood things. I began to feel guilty for tossing out so much
stuff, like I was disrespecting her in a way. Eventually, I detached emotionally
in order to get more done.
The
house resembled a skeleton. Family pictures and art of the wall, her champagne
red walls painted over, leaving just the bare bones. It was just a house. This
was the house I grew up in, but now it sits as just a house. I didn’t find
myself getting emotional, which I had fully expected. Rather, I enjoyed purging
through stuff and spending time with my Aunt and sister. I miss that connection
and that feeling of physical closeness with them and my Mom’s belongings.
Other
things I did: I signed her car over to me, surrendered our German Shepard, got
a new puppy, met my friend’s new little baby, had a thanksgiving dinner in
August (and kept it down), only worked out once, didn’t weight myself, followed
my meal plan, had a slice of Costco pizza, and met with Mom’s hospice nurse to
find closure from the morning of May 12th.
The
trip home was bittersweet. With Petey as my co-pilot, I felt sad driving away.
For the first time I wasn’t excited about returning to Spokane or programming.
Thursday, my first day back at EP was a challenge. I really struggled being
there because I really missed my Aunt and being around my Mom’s house. It was
almost as if I were going through withdrawals. The emotions from the trip
caught up with me and I was flooded with sadness. Attempting to keep the tears
in, I went about the day, until I was triggered. Seeing the EMT come and take a
client off in a stretcher paralyzed me. I was in crisis mode and lost control
of my emotions and even my body to some extent. I ate snack. I purged. I got
scared and didn’t know what to do. What had happened?! How did I let ED sneak
up on me so quickly?! It was a long day that didn’t end well. It just pains me that Mom is
STILL gone, that I am STILL in mourning, that it is STILL this painful, and
that I am STILL fighting ED daily!!!!
August
27, 2014
Can
I just start by saying Mac and Cheeses & Fried Chicken again for lunch?!?!
Seriously?! Ugh!
This
week has begun with a strength that I haven’t had any other week. I’ve now been
following my meal plan for 16 consecutive days and feel successful in it. It’s
a success I’m hanging onto right now. I have been a bit happier, but on the
flip side experiencing the extremes when I am sad. Emotions have been a little
bit easier to express but still a challenge when they are LARGE emotions. I’ve
spoken up in groups when I am struggling and allowed the members to support me.
A
few successes from the week: I bagged up another full bag of trigger clothes (clothes from when I was really sick and small) of
mine that I am going to donate, got pants that are two sizes bigger than my
smallest size to wear that are comfortable and that look good on me, have
attempted to look at my body objectively and without judgment, listening to my
body as far as when to work out and when to take a break, attempting to figure
out and listen to my hunger cues in order to kick my metabolism into gear,
practice diffusion from thoughts and acceptance of my feelings rather than
fighting them, and speaking up today and naming the ED thoughts that snuck up
on me in group today.
I
can’t say I am completely confident in myself yet. I remember Krista asking me
one of my first days, “what are your strengths/positive qualities?” and all I
could answer was “running.” I didn’t know aside from that what I was good at.
She responded by saying, “we will work on that and you will figure that out.”
Well, I don’t feel like I have figured that out and still feel inadequate in
most all areas of life. This is something I really want to work on before I
drop down because I need the confidence in myself to succeed. I don’t know what
I am good at other than making people laugh and working out. It bothers me that
I haven’t come to grips with what other qualities are yet. I’m stuck in that
area.
As
far as my sadness, it has been consumed by Monique’s departure. My last session
with her on Tuesday morning was incredible and extremely powerful. I felt I
could be honest, real, and raw with her, as well as able to express my
gratitude and love for her as a person and a therapist. Program is going to be
hard without her but she challenged me to consider “flying,” feeling that her
departure is a good transition time for me to drop down. I’ve looked ahead and
decided that September 19th will most likely be my last day in IOP
and will go from there. I may relapse, I may fall, but I need to try and fly. I
can’t be handicapped by the comfortable structure and routine. However, as I continue
to process the new events surrounding my Mom’s death and the intense emotions that come with it, it has been a Godsend to have programming in order to keep me
stable and healthy. I’m grateful for this week because it has really opened my
eyes to “life after programming.” I know I will still have the support of
Krista and Michelle, so what is there to be fearful of? ED?
August
29, 2014
The
past two days ED has been screaming at me to return. His voice is loud and his
words are smooth. They make perfect sense at times.
I’m
extremely sad and feel lost. I hate goodbyes and yesterday I had to say one of
the hardest goodbyes I’ve ever had to say. I lost someone close to me, someone
I had chosen to let in, to trust, and to allow to love on me. The anticipation
of Monique’s goodbye was almost as hard as the 17-month journey of anticipating
my Mom’s goodbye. The pain is real and raw once again.
Because
of my vulnerable state, ED thinks he can sneak in. When life seems out of my
control, ED tempts me with “I know how you can take some control back.” I’ve
been triggered almost hourly and am exhausted from the flooding of a fast
heartbeat. I’m attempting to let myself BE for once. This is new and somewhat
uncomfortable. I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness and mourning all over
again and not have to do anything about it. I feel the urge to act on such
strong emotions. To run, to cut, even to purge again. How would that benefit me
though? Temporarily it may be soothing.
I
let myself cry yesterday…cry hard. In 4:30 process group I sat there and cried.
In dinner, I expressed the overwhelming sense of grief I had for my Mom’s loss
and the recent goodbye to Monique. I didn’t want to eat. I had to eat. Brea was
my support person and she struggled through the dinner too. Michelle came
behind us, talked to us a bit about how we were feeling and told us to support
each other through it. Brea and I looked at each other, gave a wink, and shoved
the food into our mouths…high fiving under the table when we both finished. It
was a proud moment for us and I am so grateful to see the realistic
presentation of someone who’s left treatment (and still struggling). It made me
feel validated in my fears of leaving program. I am so grateful Brea and I
reconnected. I think it is a friendship that will flourish!
I
want to come out of this goodbye stronger and closer to recovery. I am hopeful
but still hold some doubt. I feel like I’m standing on a fence and can see
recovery more clearly but if I turn around can still see ED on the other side.
I want to leap but scared shitless. I leave for Sunriver today for the next 5
days and could not be MORE excited for a MUCH needed vacation. Craig and I have
done so much traveling over the past year but for weddings, memorials, visiting
Mom, etc. We have not had a vacation in a long time and this is way overdue. I
pray for strength to continue my meal plan, the ability to relax and
rejuvenate, as well as the ability to just enjoy the present moment.
