Relentless Restlessness

Boy are we restless and boy are we exhausted, but we are relentless in our newfound position as parents. I fall into bed at night feeling like a semi-truck has just run me over...50 times...but yet I still lie there awake, mind wide open, thinking of how I can be a better Mom, how I can produce more milk, did I say the right thing today?, should I schedule a therapy appointment, are my babies growing like they should be??? Mind cluster, a mind fog, that lasts well into the first midnight feeding. But even with the restlessness and fatigue I still manage to get a few hours of sleep, which is better than none at all. The days are long and the nights are longer. Being a Mom to not just one baby...not even two...but three babies is a feat. A feat yet rewarding at the same time. But boy have emotions hit hard lately.

I have mixed feelings with the month of May approaching. May means my first Mother's Day is quickly approaching but it also means another birthday of my own Mom's that passes and two years since I had to say goodbye to her...my own Mom. Now that I can finally share that title with her she isn't here. I now understand just a tiny bit of the love she had for my sister and I, for it's got to be pretty similar to love I have for Oakley, Ellison, and Isaiah. A part of me wants to rejoice in motherhood while a HUGE part of me just wants to sit and "re-grieve" the loss of my own Mom. Sadness is welling up as the anticipation of May 12th grows. It's an odd mixture of feelings this year. This time last year Craig and I were gearing up for our first embryo transfer. Who knew we'd have THREE little ones the following year?! I rejoice in the new little lives as I still mourn one that was lost.

I am in love with being a Mommy. Each day is different and new. Each day one of them smiles and lets me know I am doing an okay job. Each day is a privilege in raising these triplets - and another day to let them know how much they are loved.