My Life as 'Normal'

I am feeling sensitive and emotional more so lately than ever before and it drives me crazy not being able to say what I am thinking/feeling. I can't put to words what goes on in my head and in my heart -- maybe it's because that is where they are supposed to stay FOREVER.  After all, my life isn't a Hollywood movie.  No one has paid me to tell my story.  Therefore, I really should stop beating myself up over this hurdle in my life.

But I think I want my first book to be titled, My Life as 'Normal.'  This title being so perfect for many reasons, one of which being that I am far from normal.  However, I'm not quite sure what normal means anymore.  I personally think it should be removed from the Webster's Dictionary due to lack of empirical evidence on what it means to be normal.  HAHA I looked it up and it says, "conforming to the standard or common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural." Here is my first question...what the heck is the standard and common type?  Who got to decide that?  That would have been a fun job!!!

I think the reason I would title my first book this (yes...i'm planning on writing multiple, the first being title Meganisms) is because I feel like I have been able to float through life with only small personal battles. It seems I always get the longer end of the stick rather than the shorter end. And it truly makes me angry!!  Why can't struggles be evenly distributed?  Because God doesn't think I can handle it?  Well, if it involves blood or pain then there is some truth to that!  But seriously.  It just doesn't seem fair and it kills me that I always have to be the spectator who sits back and watches everyone else fight their battles.  And to top it off, God made me SUPER, OFF THE CHARTS compassionate!  I carry other peoples' burdens around so well -- protecting them and thinking of them often -- and can't seem to disconnect myself from their pain and hurt.  This makes for a powerfully polarized combination and it causes me lots of distress. And want to know the cherry on top?  I don't know how to communicate and put into words what I am feeling (please revisit the first paragraph above).  What a conglomeration of skills/weaknesses I have been blessed with.  I am constantly trying to figure out how to break this vicious cycle.

Why did I get blessed with being 'normal?'

I don't get really sick BUT close people around me do...

I don't lose family members BUT close people around me do...

I am not getting divorced BUT close people around me are...

I don't have health issues BUT close people around me do...

Tragedy hasn't struck BUT it has with others...

I couldn't have said it better than Tenth Avenue North 

"Worn"

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn