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Wednesday, February 19, 2014....

Playing hooky this week from school. It's necessary for my health of course. My mind, body, and spirit have all been diagnosed with burnout. So, here I am. Coeur d'Alene Resort - located on Coeur d'Alene Lake. No view from my room but a beautiful view of a fireplace while I try to reprogram my mind and get back "into" school.

Yes, this does mean I am away from Craig...the one I ranted and raved about in my XOXO Valentine's post. But I am in the presence of a lifelong, cherished friend. It has been the perfect medicine and the sweet fellowship has been lovely. 

As I was sitting by the fire, taking a break for my dinner salad, I watched an episode of my newest educational addiction....TEDtalks....and was inspired greatly. I've been feeling down lately, but was led to some insightfulness from Thandie Newton. She is a self-proclaimed atheist, which I cannot relate to in any sense, for I can't wrap my head around a world without a higher power. She talks a lot about our "essence" and the "self," so it is apparent that she does not credit God for making her who she is, what He has brought her through, and His potential and purpose in doing so.  For I was created, molded, and crafted by someone intelligent. A potter. An artist. A sculptor. An author. My Father. But, I can oddly relate to Thandie's childhood and took comfort in a portion of her talk:

“I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody. It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way. I thought I lacked substance, and the fact that I could feel others' meant that I had nothing of myself to feel. The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment.

And when I realized and really understood that my self is a projection and that it has a function, a funny thing happened. I stopped giving it so much authority. I give it its due. I take it to therapy. I've become very familiar with its dysfunctional behavior. But I'm not ashamed of my self. In fact, I respect my self and its function. And over time and with practice, I've tried to live more and more from my essence. And if you can do that, incredible things happen.” – Thandie Newton

xoxo

Today has been unique - a day unplanned and surely unprepared for. The only thing I had prepared for was a day without my other half :( I was geared up for a day by myself but did not know what that looked like...other than the one or two things I had scheduled.

If you are getting a bit teary-eyed, wipe them, because Craig and I DID celebrate Valentine's Day early. Wednesday we went to Clinkerdagger's for drinks and appetizers overlooking the Spokane falls! It was intimate, special, and romantic...especially when he pulled out the very unexpected Valentine's gift! We never get gifts for each other but he always defies this rule and bought me 45 days of unlimited hot yoga at the studio I have been going to. I've missed it SO much and am so grateful for his kindness and willingness to feed my newest 105 degree addiction!!! Made my evening that much more special :) We have thoroughly enjoyed our time together lately and value each moment we get because they are few and far between. I am still so in love with who God has given me! Some days...yah...it's a choice...but most days it comes naturally. Though I may not always show the love and affection I should, I could not be more appreciative of my husband. He does so much for me - most of it going unnoticed. And my favorite thing about him is that he loves me with his WHOLE heart. He is so giving, so unselfish, and so willing to make me happy and do what's best for us as a couple.

So keeping this is mind, I am okay with him working tonight on what is "supposed" to be the most romantic night of the year. I rest knowing that I get those kind of nights most nights!!

Back to today...

I have a 4 day weekend! Don't you wish you worked at a school?! Today was a snow make up day and, unbelievably, we have not had any snow days to make up! So I decided to sleep in and have Craig wake me up when he was ready to go get a Valentine's coffee at Starbucks before we left for the day. I woke up at 7:11am and, still half sleeping, saw I had missed a call at 7:10am from a friend down the street. She was standing on my doorstep, looking like a drowned rat (rain! gross!) because she had locked herself out of her apartment. Good morning Tiara!!! I gladly took in this homeless girl, for she turned my day around and made it a little bit brighter! She called into work on account of being locked out. So, naturally, I let her borrow shoes, shorts, and sweats, and we headed to the gym for a workout!

As she kept my house warm and Luna happy, I escaped for a lovely coffee date with a friend, followed by a much needed massage, followed by a walking date with a different friend...returning back home to Tiara and Luna :) What a fun day full of surprises!

I now lay on the couch - exhausted - with a red box movie and a bowl of hot soup! Really the holiday could not get any better than this!

Happy love to everyone! I am surely loved and I hope you know that you are too!

One of the happiest days of my life:

too many of them to make

...decisions, that is. 

Too many decisions to make right now. And the Lord knows I ain't good at making them. Seriously, don't put that kind of pressure on me. I would rather have someone choose for me - taking the pressure out of having to decide what is best. It sounds "pansyish" but how true it is! My ideal hero is one who steps in and says, hey you pretty lady...step aside and let me show you the way...! Oh wait, doesn't God say that to us?! It surely sounds familiar...as if it may be a loose version of a Bible verse.

It is not necessary to list out what has been running through my head, but know that decisions need to be made. Some big, some small, and some not made by me at all. So prayers for wisdom and guidance are appreciated.

On to a more fun topic....Seahawks take victory!!!

We spent the day watching to Super Bowl at a friend's house. The best part of this is that they are diehard Broncos fans, which meant Craig had to cheer a little bit quieter so that he would not get beat up. But it was more so fun just to hang out with some good friends, something we do not do often enough. We value the time we have with them and are glad they let us in from the cold that day - Seahawks gear and all!

Thumbs Up, Hawks

2 Posts from the Past

Haskins vs. Bees 
(July 18, 2011)

So, life has been pretty entertaining over this last week.  We have made great friends with about 75 bees who live and have nestled up on our porch.  They have actually been a huge disturbance.  We can't sit out there or even BBQ because of the hazardous conditions.  Now don't be fooled.  These bees ain't nothing like the bees in The Bee Movie.  They are not nice.  But we couldn't figure out where their nest was until one day I was brave enough to stand outside.  I started seeing bees go in and not come back out of Craig's Nike cleat.  I told him when he got home, he nudged the shoe with a golf club and a swarm of 50 or so bees come raging out of the cleat.  Awesome!  A bee hive in a shoe on our 8 ft x 4 ft porch.  OH if only you could have seen all the reactions we have been getting.  We have asked friends, "Have you ever had a bee hive in a shoe?"  All in all, Craig was adamant about extinguishing this thing on his own.  He didn't want to pay the $4.99 yet.  He messed with those bees on a daily basis.  They got to know each other really well.  He would poke at the shoe and make a mad dash back inside to slam the sliding glass door, then just sit back and watch them get angry.  So angry the would try to slam into the glass to get him.  So here are some brainstormed plans of his:

Plan A:
Grab shoe quickly and chuck it off our porch.  Then it is in the courtyard and isn't our problem.

Plan B:
Throw a towel over the opening of the shoe to keep them from coming in and out.  He actually played this one out and it failed miserably.


Plan C:
Place a box out there and slowly tap the shoe into the box.  Then throw the box over the porch.

Plan D:
Triple up on garbage bags and pick up the shoe like you pick up dog poop with a bag and quickly spin the bag, put it in the box, and take the box to the empty field to leave it.

So, he practiced for Plan D the most....it was his favorite idea.  Of course he would be from head to toe in winter gear as he is doing this.  He had psyched himself up so much he began practicing.  It failed miserably.  He couldn't get all three plastic bags back up and over his hand to spin the bag closed fast enough.  He would be dead.

In the end, he hung his head as we went to Fred Meyer and paid $4.99 for a "kills on contact" foaming spray.  We have used it a count of 4 times now and there are still one or two survivors.  We almost have victory though!  Now Craig's question, "Do I keep the shoe for bragging rights or throw it away?"

Victory is ours! 

(July 19, 2011)

This blog won't make sense to you unless you have read, This Blog Posting.  [viewer discretion advised]

"Victory, oh sweet Victory!"

 The Crime Scene

Behind the scenes:

It was attached to the tongue of the shoe

Craig dumped it out of the shoe and that's how big it was:

R.I.P. Winter Break '13-'14

I'm missing the freedom I had for 3.5 weeks. I'm missing that sweet sound of a silenced alarm clock - waking up to the sun instead. I'm missing winter break...

How do I describe the 25 days I had off? I don't think I accurately can. It was emotional, heart-warming, soothing relaxing, stressful, trying, challenging, lazy, unique, peaceful, and EXCITING!!! There were ups and downs, lots of miles run, and quality time spent with family and friends.

However, I'm not missing the long and lonely days I had alone while Craig worked all day. I'm not missing the uncertainty of what tomorrow will look like (I like routine!). I'm not missing all of the driving. I'm not missing spending TOO much money during the holiday season. I'm not missing the anticipation of starting a new quarter. I'm not missing the chaos.

But what I do miss is my family. They seem so close but yet so distant. A text every other day or so is what keeps us informed and in the loop. Life is going on without us on the west side and sometimes that thought is big enough to haunt me. But what keeps me stable and steady is the precious silence of the morning over a steaming hot cup of coffee, Jesus Calling, and a time of prayer. Craig...yes...he keeps me grounded too. Medication and therapy? Well...that is for you to determine! But ultimately, I miss my Mom. Why did we choose to stay in Spokane? Oh yes! Because we have a dog, a house to maintain, an INCREDIBLE church, two jobs to hold, and a graduate degree to earn! And potentially new opportunities just right around the corner.

To sum up the 25 days off:

• Volunteered at Second Harvest Food Bank --> we bagged food that would go home with students!
• Happy Hour at Anthony's with Craig --> and running into a friend!
• Went to hear Ali Vincent speak and give a lecture on health/nutrition and her experience on The Biggest Loser
• Had Tiara & Ryan over for dinner --> homemade pizzas!
• Had Andrea, Emma, & David over for dinner --> BBQ Chicken!
• Took a tour of The Emily Program
• Met with Erin Schwab over coffee
• Found out I got my first 4.0 this quarter --> don't ask me how because this was mentally and emotionally my hardest quarter too!
• Playing secret santa --> one of my favorite traditional Christmas games!
• Progressive Dinner with our small group --> ending the night with a white elephant gift exchange!
• Maybe created a fake Christmas card for the Hara's and sent it out to... ?? ... people at church ;)
• Drove to Portland to celebrate Christmas with Dad, Karen, Bethany, Brian, Kylee, Tanner, Adam, Sophia, Molly & Dustin
• Boarded Luna for 5 days :(
• Spent 2.5 days at the Hospice House with Mom
• Met with Jaye Zern over coffee
• Brought Mom home via ambulance on Christmas Eve
• Had Marian (Craig's Mom) stay 2 nights with us in Federal Way
• Celebrated Christmas with the Smiths, Mom, & Aunt Becky
• Used our Wedding China set for the first time for Christmas dinner
• Spend time in West Seattle with Molly --> got to see her apartment and all three of us worked out at Snap Fitness together!
• Attended Craig's family Christmas dinner --> got to meet and hold Penelope Rose Haskins!
• Got excited for Craig getting a second interview
• Saw the movie: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty --> good movie!
• Swam...a lot...
• Ran...a lot...running my most miles EVER this month: 94!
• Said goodbye to good friends who moved --> miss you Chris, Julie, & William!
• Taught Luna how to 'play dead'
• Stayed with the Vanourek's at their condo in Kellog, ID
• Almost...ALMOST died and was ALMOST hit by a car at a crosswalk
• Only made it to 10:30pm New Years Eve night (second year in a row!)
• Hosted Dad, Karen, & Diego at our house last weekend --> wined and dined!
• Signed up for 30 days of unlimited hot yoga for $30 --> new obsession :)

Have I missed anything else? Probably! But this is why I miss winter break!!! June 15, 2014 can't come fast enough!!

2014

I think it's funny that people wait until the new year to begin "good" habits, make "good" choices, begin a "better" life, etc. Everyday should be a fresh start and a new beginning, for that is the reason Christ died for us...for forgiveness, cleanliness, purity, and fresh starts! I find all of the Facebook statuses right now interesting. As people reflect back on the past year they make decisions for this year (sometimes big ones!!)

We don't know what this year holds (2014) - no one does! We can look optimistically ahead to 2014, but embrace each day as it comes, making those "good," "better," and "healthier" goals daily.

I do anticipate this year. What will it be like? January 1, 2013 I would have never guessed the year would turn out as it did:

• Mom diagnosed
• Aunt Becky moved to WA from FL
• Mom underwent unsuccessful chemotherapy
• Craig spoke at Camp Gilead Winter Blast retreat
• Craig and I worked at Camp Gilead (where we met in 2002)
• Molly and Dustin got engaged
• ALL of our friends either had a baby or got pregnant
• And the list could go on...

I plan to seek the Lord daily, making Him a bigger part of my life and making a conscious effort to draw closer to Craig - because those two are the only people that will help me get through (and enjoy) the year 2014!

Happy New Year 

The Honesty of the Holiday

I'm not sure life will ever be the same….

Reality hit this past week. As families celebrated happiness, joy, and togetherness, my family celebrated the fact that my Mom came home from hospice, for we didn't think she would. We had the luxury of walking her out of her room. 

And it was on Christmas Eve that Craig, Molly, and I followed the ambulance that carried my Mom home. 

As the EMT's maneuvered the gurney through the hallway and to the downstairs couch (in front of our fireplace), my Mom quietly uttered the words, "I haven't been downstairs since October 8th." 

That's when it hit me. Life has been different over the last 12 months, or as my Mom said, "the last 12 minutes." And this Christmas Eve and Christmas (and 'winter break') has also been different. I never thought I'd drive home for the holidays and have to drive straight to the Hospice House. I never thought I'd be the one lifting my Mom out of bed, holding her as she finds her balance, and positioning her legs when she gets restless. I'm assuming this is why the Lord doesn't let us in on what's to come because I don't think we would ever admit to surviving the obstacles. But He gives us strength AS we approach hardships, knowing exactly HOW MUCH we can handle. Don't get me wrong. I am not personally testifying to an unreal amount of strength and peace, but I am testifying to being able to rest in His hands.

My Mom has been my rock but now it seems I need to become her rock.

As I rubbed her arm this morning, whispering sweet 'goodbyes' in her ear, she muttered, "goodbye, but I'm sleeping." Oh…still finding humor in the smallest ways. Her humor hasn't left her side and sleep has become her BFF, not letting ANYTHING or ANYONE get in her way!