Bring on the needles!

Well today is day of five on the IVF calendar but day one of injections! Tonight...7pm.

This week I've already been poked and prodded but nothing compared to what is about to come. I'm excited. Nervous. Anxious. Scared. And looking forward to starting so I can eventually stop! I'm in an okay mindset right now (we will see if that changes after 7pm tonight) and am attempting to stay at peace, relying on God's strength throughout this process. There are days that this process/treatment make me miss Mom. But I've had quite the revelation recently. I'm surrounded with an army of support...more support than I had when my Mom was alive.

Let the journey begin and the prayers continue...

...the end of one journey & the beginning of another...

Craig and I are about to embark on an incredible journey...the journey of starting a family. It has been our heart's desire and passion to become a Mom and Dad. We are going on five years of marriage and purposefully decided to wait a while until we felt the timing was right. We moved to Spokane after getting married in 2010. Craig started at Moody Bible Institute while I picked up three jobs to keep the apartment's lights on. It was my pleasure to do this so Craig could finish up his 4-year degree...but the pleasure didn't last long. I got antsy. I wanted to go back to school the day Craig graduated. "My turn?" I asked Craig. I knew this would prolong our plans to have children but knew that our solo time together and our desires of completing education were priority.

Now...4.5 years later...we try to begin a family. Craig and I have gone through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs and feel as if we could conquer Everest if thrown at us now. Well...welcome to our Everest. Starting a family has not come easily. As noted in a previous post, our chances of getting pregnant on our own are slim to none. Thus, with lots of prayer and consultation, we begin the IVF (in vetro fertilization) process...tomorrow. TOMORROW! My heart is doing flips and somersaults in anticipation of what is to come. It feels like I'm sitting in the calm before the storm. I've been through the 2-hour self-injection training, we've consulted with the doctor for hours, we've done test after test, I've endured a hysterscope (btw NOT FUN) and a mock transfer, and the box of meds that maxed out one of our credit cards arrived two days ago.

Can you say pharmacy? This makes me nervous...especially if you know how I do not do well with needles. Well...three injections a day and blood draws every other day...here I come! Balls to the walls! Our hearts ache for a baby (babies?) and I can't wait for the day we get to bring him or her home. The day will come, for God is faithful and will carry us through this hurdle as He has with every other hurdle.

Tomorrow is day one...day one of thirty. I'm making a change for the better during these next thirty days. I'm hopping off Facebook for my own sanity so that I can't be brought down by pregnancy announcements or births as I scroll through my news feed. This is OUR journey and I can't compare it to that of anyone else's. I will check FB messages but won't be on it any other time. As well, I am giving up intense cardio and trading it in for 30-minute walks with Petey. The gym would be playing with fire, for I can't get my heart rate above 140. I commit my time in the morning (since I can't go into work until 8am due to 7am injections, lab draws, and ultrasounds) to quiet studies, meditation, prayer, and encouraging conversations. My mindset is focused and I have to do this for baby H. Following my meal plan is a must because it isn't about me anymore. There is absolutely no room for ED (my eating disorder) and will be in constant contact with my therapist and dietitian at the Emily Program.

We appreciate the flood of prayers and support as we embark on this emotional journey. Yes, my hormones are going to be tampered with A LOT, so hang tight my friends...this is only the beginning...one door has closed and another has opened. We are so blessed by those around us and by the reproductive specialist that has taken us under his wing.

Letting Go

How hard is it to let go?

What does letting go even mean?

There is a season for letting in and a season of letting go.

Now is the latter... 

❤️

❤️

Lord, some things look pretty impossible from where we stand right now.
So that's what we do: we pray for the impossible things, the improbable, implausible, impractical things.
We don't just pray for the possible --- because ours is the God who whispers: "With Me nothing, Nothing, NOTHING is impossible." 

You are the God who makes the ridiculously impossible into the miraculously possible, the unbelievable into the you-better-believe-it, the never into the now.
We are the people who pray it tonight: BUT GOD. We pray the impossible prayers -- because as long we are with You, *nothing is impossible.*
#HonestPrayers

Eight Entirely Too Long Months

It's been a while since my last post, please forgive me. A lot has happened over the past month - but more emotions arose than anything. It was hard for me to pull out of deep sadness or thought to write and reflect. The holidays were a whirlwind, celebrating Christmas on four different occasions. The absence of my Mom was heavy and her cheerful holiday demeanor was missed. It was good to be with close friends and family but hard to be reminded of life without her. A part of me wanted to isolate and stay in Spokane and not have to face the west side of the state. Craig and I traveled with as much strength as we could. I can confidently say though that I have survived my first set of holidays without Mom. I was grateful to spend quality time with Molly and Dustin at their cute little home in Burien and celebrate as Mom would have on Christmas Eve, without a tradition missing (well...maybe church).

The stress for the holidays has subsided but there have been other obstacles to maneuver through. I landed on a slippery slope towards the end of October, around my birthday, and began restricting a snack here and a food item there. On the days I let myself workout I began restricting some more. I was fully aware of the red flags popping up but wanted to focus on my grief and how to deal with that. My birthday came and went, Thanksgiving, graduation and completing my masters, getting a job, Christmas, and New year's. These were all triggering events that created a need for control. Since Mom couldn't be there I wanted control of something...anything. I recognized the pattern real quickly but wasn't honest with my therapist, dietician, family, or Craig. Each week I was losing a pound. This doesn't seem like much but to an ED client and her team it is. I have learned that one pound = 3,500 calories. So to gain a pound a week, 3,500 extra calories must me consumed and vice versa. Eek. There was a deficit for sure. The wake up call occurred last Monday - a week ago today - when my dietician mentioned the thought of me stepping back in to program. Excuse my language...but HELL NO! I immediately began crying and admitted to needing boat loads of support. Hello reality!!! My therapist wanted me back in on Tuesday for another session and to not skirt around the ED issues. Ok. Let's chat. It was painful, embarrassing, and humbling to say the least. But the last 100 or so words out of her mouth would be the words to inspire a newfound motivation. It's like my "distorted goggles" were taken off and I could see my future as she explained her observations. The next few days consisted of the refeeding process. Nauseous. Aches. Pains. Sickness. The works. My body wanted to reject everything that wasn't liquid. Argh. But I had done this to myself so I was able to own it. I can amazingly say that seven days later I am in a much better spot and wanting to be done with ED for good! I am so over this.

But another hurdle has arisen. Life just isn't letting up for us...but I say over and over again...I guess that's ok. While being transparent about ED and other obstacles I might as well throw out there that Craig and I have been trying to get pregnant since July. Through the blessing of a close friend we were able to get extensive testing done (on both of us) for free, since pregnancy just wasn't happening. Just before the holidays we found out that our chances of getting pregnant naturally each month stand at 2%. Two percent?! Seriously Lord?! Why me?! Why us?! Why not a break from tough stuff?! With the scientific and technical jargon pushed aside...our time left to have kids is minimal. We were presented with two options: option A and option B. Option B is more invasive, stands at a 50% chance of success, more expensive, and less of a time commitment. Option A is less invasive, stands at a 10% chance of success, less expensive, and more of a time commitment. Craig and I spent a lot of time in prayer and a lot of time consulting with friends and family we trust and have decided to go with option B...in veto fertilization (IVF). I never thought we would be on this road. I selfishly thought after God taking my Mom home that we would be blessed with an easy process of getting pregnant. Right? Wrong. God's plans have been different for us and at times that is hard to accept. So, for all you prayer warriors out there, please pray and pray hard. We begin the IVF process beginning of February with a completed round by middle of March (with a hope of pregnancy!). If you know me then you know I don't do well with needles, blood, pain, anything hospital related, etc. Well, this consists of self-injections daily, lab work every other day, and ultrasounds every other day. But we are in this together and committed. So if you begin to notice my time being limited on Facebook you should know why...it seems every three days there is a pregnancy announcement in my newsfeed. It takes everything in me to not get bitter. I need to look specifically at OUR lives and not at others.

With this said, today is a hard day. Today Mom has been in heaven for eight entire months. I mourn the ability to call her up and talk with her about our infertility and upcoming treatments. I thirst for my Mom at a time such as this. But if I have recognized anything over the past week it has been the abundant blessing of support I have around me!!!! So many motherly figures. So many new and intimate friendships. A ton of mentors. So much support. I love you Mom to pieces and know you are safe where you are at. I pray that God can allow you to sneak a peak into our future to meet your beautiful grandkids before we even get to name them. They will be here soon enough and I can't wait for the day to announce a pregnancy.

I.L.Y.T.P

❤️

Dear Friends....

Dear Friends:

The holiday season is a time of peace and happiness; a time of family gatherings, and a bond of closeness felt more strongly than any other holiday of the year.

There are also very different emotions surfacing now for those of us who have experienced the death of a parent. I may be angry, depressed, fearful, or I may just not care. There may be a deep consuming anguish for those having their "first" Christmas, to a few tears and the remembrance of "how it used to be", for those experiencing the second, third, or twenty-third holiday.

There are times when it is too painful to tell you how I feel, or why I act a certain way. Sometimes I don't know myself. I can't tell you why today, hearing a song, seeing a child going into a store or seeing her favorite food, should bring memories and tears, when yesterday it didn't.

I may want to change things this holiday, do them differently than I have in the past. This is my way of coping the the holiday. Please take my feelings into consideration when making your plans.

For some of us, shopping, buying gifts, can be difficult or extremely painful. It seems you always have to pass, or find yourself in, that section of the store where you no longer need to be. Small tasks that I did last year, this year remain undone. They may not seem important; I may not have the energy; or they are just too painful to do. "Put up a tree? I just can't. I just can't use those ornaments."

Please don't tell me to turn off my memories, to snap out of it, that she is dead and life must go on. I, more than you, know my loved one is dead. But my love for them doesn't end with death. All I have left of a very special part of my life are the memories, and they return at unexpected times, filling me with the intense longing for what is no more. Yes, I fully realize that she is dead, gone forever, and that is what hurts.

Please have patience with me. Try to understand why I am acting or feeling the way I am today. With a small look or gesture, let me know it is all right with you for me to love, to cry, to remember. I'm not doing it to make you uncomfortable or to gain sympathy. I am just trying to cope. Please help me "make it through" this holiday season.

Megan

(excerpt taken from Franciscan Hospice Bereavement Services)

Dear Body...

A Letter To Any Woman Who Thinks She Needs A Different Body To Be Loved

(stolen from: http://www.mindbodygreen.com)

"You have a light inside that shines so brightly. If you could only see yourself the way others do, you would feel the love and energy you exude organically and effortlessly 

You have a natural glow around you that illuminates the room. Your smile warms our hearts and your eyes light up with passion when you talk about what you love. 

But I sense your pain. I know you fall into sadness. Hopelessness. You feel unworthy. You feel you are a burden as you carry around guilt from mistakes. It's OK: you are here, now, and the past is behind you and behind us all. 

I feel your need to be seen. Like you, I also want to be appreciated. You are not alone in any of the feelings you have. Your sadness is part of a collective human consciousness. To be human is to feel — sad, happy, angry and so on. Your emotions are glorious reminders that you are indeed alive. So honor the intensity of them, even if it is uncomfortable. 

Consider everything you have ever done up until this point in your life has actually prepared you for who you really want to be. Please forgive yourself for what you think was a wrong choice or disruptive situation. There are no mistakes. Just growth. You are right where you should be. 

You are making a difference just as you are, but I sense you don't see this. Instead, you close the blinds and fall into your habits, addictions and negative self-talk. 

You carry around open wounds from your childhood and failed expectations from situations gone awry. You think it's your fault. But it's not. You get mad at yourself and say harmful things, mad that you can't seem to get it right. Furious you are still trying to break that habit or reach that goal. It's OK. You have done nothing wrong. 

Everything is as it should be. Trust the process. I see you fall into self-sabotage by attacking yourself mentally and berating your body. I know it's hard for you to look in the mirror and love what you see. I know you want to change yourself. But your physical presence is perfect as it is. 

You resist, hate, pinch, squeeze, yell at and condemn your beautiful body. You want to change it. If only you could lose weight you'd be loved, feel appreciated, be seen. If only you had the surgery to enhance the body part you are insecure about, then you could be proud of your body. Then maybe people would see you for who you are. 

But here's the thing: we already see you for all of your grace and glory. You are so beautiful in this moment, your love and kindness can move mountains. You have no idea how amazing you are. You have no idea how much of an impact you are making on the world by you just being you. 

I know some days it is hard to get up. To move forward. To say something nice. But it is worth it, and you can do it. If you could trade places with those who love you for you and see how others see you, you would be amazed at how perfect you are. I don't say "perfect" to endorse perfectionism, but to emphasize that there is nothing about you that you need to change. You are your own worst critic. But you are dearly loved. You are seen. You are appreciated for you just being you. 

For today, try it out. See yourself the way the world sees you. A beautiful human, graceful and kind. You matter and you make a difference. There is nothing to change for you to fit in. You're perfect just as you are. We love you. Please love yourself."