Life on the Farm...E, I, E, I, O!

It makes me sad I don't write as much as I used to. Come to think of it...I also don't read, sleep, text, call, and exercise as much as I want to, as well as eat as much as I SHOULD be!

I wouldn't say that being a Mom of triplets is crazy but rather adventurous and fun! As long as their little hearts are beating my heart is smiling. Day in and day out I think about what life would be like without them and all I can come up with is boring - flat out boring! I wouldn't have three little different cries to respond to, three butts to keep clean, three mouths to feed, or three smiles looking up at me. It's incredible to think about the time and energy that goes into raising this triad but it's a healthy energy that's for sure. I don't know life any differently right now! Yes, I do look at Mom's waltzing and skipping around with only one child on their hip and grimace...sometimes flipping them the middle finger in my head...but I should be the one skipping and prancing around because of the joy I have in my heart. No, I may not be able to just throw a baby in the car and "run" to costco or target, and yes, I may be homebound 99% of the time but it's all worth it! Every cooped up minute of it! It's a blessing and a triple(t) blessing at that!

Many of you have had the privilege of coming to live with us for a week to help out 24/7! You are lucky to have a glimpse into our everyday lives. Those of you who have been too chicken - err - or too busy - here is what it looks like starting at midnight:

1:30am - Mom gets up to pump for 30 minutes and usually watches her latest "binge" TV show, recently it's been survivor

5:30am - Mom gets up to pump AGAIN for 30 minutes while watching a show and trying to stay awake - then quickly heading back to bed

6:45am - Dad skips out the door to work

7:30am - Wake littles or they awake and Mom feeds all three at the same time with propped bottles and then she puts them back to bed

8:30am - Mom pumps for another half hour and drinks a mass amount of coffee

9-11am - Mom's golden hours!!! She works out or takes a nap or cleans or reads...you get the idea!

11am - Wake littles or they awake and Mom either breastfeeds or bottle feeds or a combination of both and gets them dressed for the day. If she bottle feeds then it's back on the pump for another 30 minutes...usually bottle-feeding a baby at the same time while the other two play until their first nap

1-2pm - They take their first hour long nap while Mom tries and remembers to each lunch. They usually wake up at different times and play until it's time to eat again

2:30pm  - Wake littles or they awake and Mom either breastfeeds or bottle feeds or a combination of both. If she bottle feeds then it's back on the pump for her for another 30 minutes...usually bottle-feeding a baby at the same time while the other two play (sound repetitive?!)

3:00pm - Ellen Degeneres is on and is Mom's saving grace! Babies play - and whenever I say play I mean are either playing or screaming or crying, or demanding Mom to hold them.

4:00pm - Dad is due home! Sometimes a little earlier sometimes a little later but Mom is waiting anxiously by the door to see his face! Babies play, cry, whine, while Mom and Dad try and figure out what each baby individually wants. Sometimes Mom gets to slip out at this time and run to the store or go to a much needed therapy appointment :)

5:30pm - Mom either breastfeeds them or Mom and Dad team up to bottle feed! Yay for four hands and all hands on deck! If she bottle feeds then it's back on the pump for her for another 30 minutes...usually bottle-feeding a baby at the same time while the other two play (sound repetitive?!). After this feeding they are usually ready for another nap - falling asleep in their swings or needing to be in their crib.

6:00pm - Dad attempts to make dinner, usually getting interrupted NUMEROUS times by cranky babies.

7:30pm - Mom pumps AGAIN! Babies are probably STILL whining and crying. I think it's called the "witching hours?"

8:30pm - Bath time is once or twice a week, which we start around this time. They love, love, love baths and would probably stay in there forever. I am typically the bather while Dad is usually the baby runner and bottle maker. All babies are bottle-fed formula at this feeding (their ONLY formula bottle to help them sleep longer through the night)

9-10pm - the bedtime fight!!!

10pm - Mom pumps one last time for a total of 8 pump sessions throughout the day, 4+ hours worth! When this is all said and done Mom and Dad hit the hay until Mom gets up at 1:30am to pump again and Dad until a baby cries. He gets to be the pacifier all night since i'm up through the night pumping (and of course watching survivors get voted off an island).

The babies have become SO fun and full of personality. They smile nonstop and are so busy exploring the world around them. Oakley, Ellison, and Isaiah are what I live for each day (oh and Craig too!). We love visitors and we super love extra sets of hands :)

Happy Tuesday from the Haskins Handful!!!

A Motherless Mother's Day

In a way it feels as if I am starting over. I'm not quite sure what I'm starting over from but that is how my heart has approached today, this month, and this new chapter in life. I don't feel I need to "redo" life but I do feel I need to move on and become the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend God designed for me to be. Not a woman who drowns in her woes but one who draws from the Lord's strength to learn from the darkness and lean into the light. Easier said than done? Sure. But today is the first of many holidays to be celebrated differently. And if you know me...I don't like different. I don't do change. I've been working so very hard with my team of support for the past couple of years to find who that person is and how to cope with the change - good or bad. Then when hard days do come and change appears to be just around the corner I can to apply what I know to be truth and trust in the Lord.

For the past 29 years I have celebrated my Mom (and Mom's around me) on Mother's Day. This is what I've known. And it was two years today that I began to anticipate a dramatic change. I lost my one and only Mother - the individual I am supposed to celebrate on this day. How does one get through Mother's day being motherless? How do you celebrate someone who is gone?

I am an extremely tangible (and very black and white) person! It's hard to foresee adapting to such tragedy and loss. If I can't physically grasp someone or something it's hard to wrap my mind around. Instead of celebrating I'm bombarded with grief. The "good" memories are sad to me. I'm reminded of a huge absence. People tell me to be thankful on Mother's Day for the Mom she was and the person I am today because of her. But how can I do this when she isn't here to thank? They are just easy words for someone to say who hasn't lost a mother.

YES - I am extremely grateful for the mother she was. It pains me to think of it as a "was" though - an breathing individual no more. Though she was, she is still MY Mom. This is the statement I need to say to myself in order to get through such a personalized holiday.

But back to not liking change...

I woke up this morning feeling torn. This is the second year I can't physically celebrate my Mom...so now I am supposed to celebrate me? Well, if you know me, I don't like attention. Hate it. [Coincidental I have triplets? God does have a sense of humor because attention is all I get now! Argh!] But instead of feeling like I need to be celebrated, I look at the three smiling faces I didn't have last Mother's Day. I AM A MOTHER. I AM MY MOM. What?! As Craig and I drove home from church this morning it hit me. As I was sitting in the back with our three tiny humans, I said to him, "Holy cow! We are so blessed! We went from not being able to have children to having three! I went from not having a Mom to being a Mom!" Point made. Mind blown. The sovereignty of God is truly unconditional and the light has come to shine away the darkness some. Some.

I am now a mother of triplets. I am a mother to two daughters and a mother to one son. Three littles who will grow to celebrate me as I celebrated my own mother. What an odd concept that I will eventually get used to. They are mine - all mine. It gives me hope and a new perspective on the day. I have been blessed to be called "Mom" myself. I never thought this day would come. I never thought I'd earn this title. This IS a good change. Very good change. My heart sings every time I look at them....and I don't think it ever will stop...

Happy Mother's Day to all of the stand-in mothers out there...near and far. ILYTP.

Dear Motherless Daughters on Mother’s Day

Happy Birthday Grandma Susie

Fifty five years on Earth and now two in heaven.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

"Your birthday brings back memories

Of laughter and of tears

Of all the celebrations held

Throughout your precious years

As you're now watching over me

I hope that you can see

How much those memories we made

Will always mean to me

I'll always cherish times we had

And smile just at the thought

I hope you know the magnitude

Of joy your life here brought

On holidays and birthdays

It's so hard to be apart

Like every day that falls between

Your memory fills my heart

You're with me now where ever I go

You're part of all I do

I'll celebrate your special day

And the gift of knowing you"

The triplets have a special message to say:

Dear Grandma Susie,

Is it okay that we call you that? What would you have wanted us to call you anyways?

Happy Birthday! We aren't quite sure the entire meaning of today but we know it's a special day for Mommy and Auntie Molly. Mommy says you are in Heaven and we sort of know what that place is but I think we will understand more as we get older. But she says you aren't here on Earth with us but that we still have to celebrate you as if you were.

We wish we could meet you. Play with you. Color with you. Laugh with you. Snuggle and watch movies with you. Spend the night with you and read with you. We heard you loved to do all of those things. Mommy doesn't talk about you a lot because we think it makes her sad. Yesterday she cried and we didn't know why. We think she really really misses you. Maybe it's because you were such an amazing Mommy to our mommy.

Thank you for teaching her how to be a mommy. She is loving us the way she knows best - the way you taught her how to love. We think she learned everything from you. So, thank you. 

You would be so proud of our mommy. You would also be so proud at how well we are doing. We are getting bigger each day! But each day that goes by Mommy gets more and more sad. She says you are truly missing out on a triple blessing. But we think you already know each of us by name. And sometimes we even feel like you are here with us. We will continue working on convincing Mommy of that.

We can't wait to grow big and strong and hear more stories about how amazing you were. Next year, when we are one-year-olds, we will understand even more about where you are and why we can't give you presents and watch you blow out candles on a birthday cake.

But we love you. We feel you are a part of the three of us and we are trying to show that to mommy each and every day.

Mommy says something like, I love you to pieces, so we say, we love you to pieces. 

Happy 57th Birthday Grandma!

Relentless Restlessness

Boy are we restless and boy are we exhausted, but we are relentless in our newfound position as parents. I fall into bed at night feeling like a semi-truck has just run me over...50 times...but yet I still lie there awake, mind wide open, thinking of how I can be a better Mom, how I can produce more milk, did I say the right thing today?, should I schedule a therapy appointment, are my babies growing like they should be??? Mind cluster, a mind fog, that lasts well into the first midnight feeding. But even with the restlessness and fatigue I still manage to get a few hours of sleep, which is better than none at all. The days are long and the nights are longer. Being a Mom to not just one baby...not even two...but three babies is a feat. A feat yet rewarding at the same time. But boy have emotions hit hard lately.

I have mixed feelings with the month of May approaching. May means my first Mother's Day is quickly approaching but it also means another birthday of my own Mom's that passes and two years since I had to say goodbye to her...my own Mom. Now that I can finally share that title with her she isn't here. I now understand just a tiny bit of the love she had for my sister and I, for it's got to be pretty similar to love I have for Oakley, Ellison, and Isaiah. A part of me wants to rejoice in motherhood while a HUGE part of me just wants to sit and "re-grieve" the loss of my own Mom. Sadness is welling up as the anticipation of May 12th grows. It's an odd mixture of feelings this year. This time last year Craig and I were gearing up for our first embryo transfer. Who knew we'd have THREE little ones the following year?! I rejoice in the new little lives as I still mourn one that was lost.

I am in love with being a Mommy. Each day is different and new. Each day one of them smiles and lets me know I am doing an okay job. Each day is a privilege in raising these triplets - and another day to let them know how much they are loved. 

PP vs ED

Happy six weeks this week littles! Mom and Dad could not be more proud of how you are growing, learning to eat, filling our hearts with joy, and also filling your diapers (24-30/day!). It's unbelievable how fast the past two weeks at home have gone! The sleepless nights and zombie-like days are worth every second of it in order to fulfill your little needs and care for you! We love you and are excited to see how much you've grown at your pediatrician appointment tomorrow.

The littles being six weeks old means I've about survived the six weeks of postpartum. I had heard so much about emotions, bleeding, pain, limitations, depression, restrictions, etc., during this time but have experienced little of these symptoms - and what a blessing that's been because I'm definitely prone to negativity and depressive thoughts. God has protected me during this time of physical hormonal recovery. Before the babies were born I really processed with my therapist the possibility of my eating disorder (ED) coming back with vengeance due to the lose skin, stretch marks, increased food intake (in order to breastfeed), and because it would be an option to engage again. When I was pregnant I struggled with ED, yes, but I managed to do what I needed to do for the babies. I was nervous that once they came out I could feel the need to do whatever I wanted to my body again. My therapist was scared for me as well as my husband. I also verbalized many times that I was going to pump/breastfeed no matter what because it burns 20 calories/ounce. Hindsight - I was scared this could have been my new fixation - my new ED. 

But by the grace of God He has also taken this from me!

My body is what it is.

My body carried and grew THREE tiny humans.

My body provided nutrition for four people during this time.

My body carried the littles for 33 weeks, which is almost uncommon for triplets.

My body has since produced breast milk for almost half of their feedings.

My body was a home for seven months.

My body was cut open in order for them to take their first breathes. 

I chose to value what my body currently looks like. I know it is still in transition but I look in the mirror with awe and amazement over what God has allowed my body to do. This type of thinking is far from ED driven and closer to a Godly perspective. I've never felt this freedom before and the break from self-defeating thoughts is so nice. Granted, I still have my moments. I've been triggered by old stuff and tempted to body bash but then I catch myself and tell myself all things written above. 

I read on someone else's blog about their c-section journey and the new found perspective they have on their body and I fell in love with her perspective. The c-section scar is not only a scar but a mark of heroism and strength. It tells a story - and stories may fade but they never disappear.

The incision is now viewed as a door once used - a door for the littles that passed through from one life (in the tummy) to another (this world). Without that door they couldn't have been given life.

I'm proud to say that my postpartum experience has been greater and louder than ED, (PP > ED)!!

Praise Jesus and love your body for what it does for you.

Without this...

I wouldn't have this...

Second Week as a Mom

The past fourteen days have been nothing but a JOY to be a part of! Yes, a whirlwind of sorts, but a miraculous whirlwind at that. Every burp, poopy diaper, rough feeding, sore pumping session has been worth it. I know it doesn't even begin to match up to what the road looks like ahead of us but I have appreciated every moment! Most Moms get to bring their babies home and snuggle them as much as they want. My snuggles are limited right now so I definitely take the time to be in the present moment. It was tough getting pregnant and it's even tougher having three littles that I can't bring home with me right now but I know that it's only encouraged me to take in the small moments and recognize that the (already) fatigue and weariness is worth it. I don't ever want to take ANY moment for granted with those three. They are working hard to live and get stronger so that I can be that Mom I have always dreamed of being.

Week two has been very similar to week one. I don't even think I can be considered a "rookie Mom" at this point but my heart has swelled to the size of an experienced Mom (i'm sure of it!). Every night I go home and feel the urge to cry because my belly is once again flat but have no babies to prove I gave birth. It's a weird feeling that only other NICU Moms can feel. I tell myself, "this too shall pass" as I did throughout the last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't try to rush it though because I know once they are home they will grow like weeks in just a blink! I'm not ready for that.

They are still so small. Ellison is our smallest at about 3 lbs 12 oz, Oakley is 3 lbs 13 oz, and mister Isaiah is 4 lbs 10 oz. Their personalities already have shown through and their need to be noticed is HUGE!

Oakley is our feisty observer. She knows what she wants and will let the entire NICU know when she does. Sometimes she just peeps loudly for no reason. We think there is already a little bit of jealousy rousing up in her. But my favorite part about this sweet little angel is her ability to just take in the world. She will lay the longest with her eyes open. She follows sound and responds with her beautiful eyes. As you talk to her she will look at you and the moment I put her up to my bare chest she sits silenced by the sound of my heartbeat.

Ellison is our smallest and our egg-shaped head girlie girl. She loves to be held and put in my tank top! Her touch is so tender and her personality matches it quite well. One of those first few times when I had Isaiah and Ellison on my chest she reached out to lay her arm on Isaiah. And the other day when I was tandem breastfeeding Oakley and Ellison, Ellison just laid and stared in awe and amazement at her sis - almost as if she were taking in the moment. She used to be wide-eyed and always awake but now is one of our sleepy heads. Like her brother, it's rare if we catch a glimpse of her eyes. She must know she is the smallest and want to catch up quick!

And then there is mr. man Isaiah. He has been hard to peg and read but we are on to him. He is just flat out lazy. He does everything with his eyes closed and acts asleep 24/7. He will show signs that he is hungry and willing to take a bottle so we will unhook wires, etc., to pull him out of his inlet, he takes two sips and then falls asleep. It's almost like he is saying, "HAHA...I just showed you all of the signs to be pulled out and held and sleep!" He is a stinker! Poor little dude has reflux though so the wheezing sound breaks my heart. He is a charmer though. He is steps behind his sissies but the staff all say that is typical and normal for a preemie boy. He is so handsome and though a stinker at times a miraculous stinker at that!

I'm so in love. Even though it's only been two weeks - it has been the best two weeks of my life. A blog from Craig is coming soon! So stay tuned and thanks for joining us on this journey.

To access Megan & Craig Haskins's CareCalendar site, visit http://carecalendar.org/logon/228232 and enter the following information in the appropriate spaces:

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One Week as a Mom

Tonight, at 9:52pm, it is official that I will have been a Mom (and Craig a Dad) for one week. 

Our beautiful triplets came into the world last Thursday, January 28th, at 9:52 and 9:53pm. It was to our surprise that we got to meet them because it had just been a normal day and we had anticipated going 2.5 more weeks.

Last Thursday I had an ultrasound at 1pm that Craig and my mother in law, Marian, came to. We 'oohed' and 'ahhed' over the cuteness and movements and groovements! It was a painful 2 hour ultrasound for me because I was big, miserable, nauseous, and just hating being on my back. I started to not look forward to these appointments.

My blood pressure had been known to spike at the beginning of OB or ultrasound appointments and they would always recheck it afterwards and it would go back down. Though Thursday, it decided to stay high and actually creep up higher to 167/112. My high-risk doctor made the decision that I should go upstairs to Labor & Delivery just to get checked out. I didn't panic because I'd been to the hospital before for braxton hicks and they just sent me home five hours later.

I was in triage for an hour with them monitoring my blood pressure every 15 minutes. It didn't budge so they wanted to admit me overnight and watch my blood pressure for the next 24 hours. Boo! I was NOT a fan of this decision. Doctor came in and said that if they can't get my blood pressure under control he would be delivering babies that night, probably around midnight. About 8:30pm my blood pressure took a turn for the worst and the decision was made that we would be going into c-section immediately. This is when the panic truly began. The minute the decision was made doctors and nurses flooded in the room, asking me to change into a gown, starting an IV, asking a billion questions, telling me what to expect, etc. I comprehended very little and couldn't believe I'd be meeting my littles soon. The c-section prep was overwhelming. I literally felt like the world was going on around me and I had no control over anything that was happening. The spinal didn't even hurt and I wasn't in any pain, other than the nausea that came with hearing the medical supplies clanking, the descriptive comments taking place between the doctors and nurses, and the pressure I could feel inside. Craig was amazing through it all. He was panicked, giddy, happy, excited, and waltzing around taking pictures and videos. He was and always will be my hero!

By 9:53pm all babies were out and being taken care of. I tried to get peeks of them but really struggled with not being able to. It was sad but I knew Craig was over there with them. As I laid there all I could think about was, "Holy crap! Holy crap! Holy crap! It's real....they are here!" After the cleanup, and placement of my organs back in my body, I was wheeled out of the operating room to see my sister standing there waving! She had caught a last minute flight and I was ecstatic for her to be there. Craig got to ring the chimes over the loudspeaker three times letting all people in the hospital know that triplets were just born! I was wheeled into isolation and recovery, dosing in and out, not really remembering that hour. I know I talked to my Dad and Aunt Becky on the phone (I think), but that's it. That night Craig and I didn't sleep. I laid in my hospital bed staring up to the ceiling in complete and utter shock. I also was completely and utterly drugged. I kept watching the clock knowing my Dad and Karen would roll in about 5:00am from driving all night across state. I couldn't wait to see them!

Friday was full of visitors and celebration but my health was quickly declining. My blood counts went down and my blood pressure went up. I wasn't stabilizing and was throwing up and not getting any rest. 48 hours had passed and I hadn't slept and couldn't sleep. They gave me an ambien and that really didn't work. They almost considered putting a note on my door to keep everyone (including visitors out) until I could regain health. I hadn't gotten to see or meet my babies yet and was getting frustrated and was extremely sad. Saturday came and I was still really sick. I just wanted my littles and I wanted them now! It was so painful to wait and know I couldn't be there for them!!! I was a Mom but didn't feel like a Mom. The feeling and experiences you see in the movies I couldn't relate to. My heart hurt. But by mid Saturday afternoon the doctor cleared me to go see them!!! Craig wheeled me up to the NICU and my Dad and I got to meet them at the same time. It was love at first site.

It's now been a week and I would go through what I went through again and again and again for the littles. Every ounce of pain I'm still in is extremely worth it. I spend my days at the NICU, sitting by their beds, changing their diapers, checking their temperatures, bottle feeding when they are up for it, and snuggling as much as I can. It's so hard to leave in the evenings. So hard. But in the past seven days they have come so far.

Welcome to the family

 Isaiah Kilen, Ellison Kay, and Oakley Louise!

To access Megan & Craig Haskins's CareCalendar site, visit http://carecalendar.org/logon/228232 and enter the following information in the appropriate spaces:

     Calendar ID   :   228232
     Security code :   6634